Meditation/Journaling Thoughts 8/10/15

Lord, who am I? You live in me. So what does that make me? Where do you end and I begin? Am I everything bad and evil, and you everything that's good? Am I just a personality inside a flesh case of failure? Data that dictates my tendencies?

*****

Lord I need you so much. I want so badly to live a life that honors you. I really wish you were a human being, sitting next to me- to teach me and to guide me. But for now the Bible shall be my friend. Your unchanging word.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

*****

The gift of wisdom is a strange thing. I feel like I have such easy access in understanding things- I hear the Lords voice often and in detail. I know when to apply certain verses and I understand and figure out things, long before they're taught to me, or I even have a name for them.

However, wisdom doesn't come with discipline or self control.  I know exactly what I should do, when I should do it,  how often to do it, and who I should do it with- but I seldom ever do it correctly. Even thought I know. I enjoy the gift of wisdom, and I value it deeply, but I almost wish I had the gift of self control... But I suppose if I had both, I'd have very little reason to rely on God.

*****

Discovering Gifts! *squee*

Waking up today with joy in my spirit and wonder in my eyes. This week on the road and away from my roomies (and AZ and J-Fall) has stung a little but Jesus revealed something to me during intercession that I believe has changed my life.

Since getting to Minnesota, different members of my church family at RHVC have mentioned my praying. "Have you heard her pray??" "Wow that was a great prayer" and most recently "gift of prayer" has been said.

Well during an afternoon prayer between classes the other day I brought this up with God. "God, people think I have the gift of prayer. Well I want to pray into this. Teach me and train me. Help me to walk in my full capacity as a prayer warrior..." At this point I had misplaced two very important and large checks back home and I started praying for those: That God would give me peace that He takes care of me. Immediately after praying I decided just to check my backpack for it again really quickly (despite the fact that I had ravaged all the bags and folders in my room looking for them the day before). It was more out of a final act of desperation because I knew they weren't there. I had looked and re-looked several times.

I opened the middle pocket of my back pack and saw some papers at the bottom.

I hesitated.




No.




I slowly reached down and pulled the papers out and in my hand I was holding my checks.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I through them down on my bed and stepped back.

"No. No. No! I don't deserve this. No! God you're so good. You're so good to me, Jesus. I don't deserve this."

I can't say what happened for sure, but those checks were almost certainly NOT in my backpack upon arriving to Super 8 in Warroad, Minnesota. I don't think I have witnessed a miracle yet but this may have been my first.

God spoke more to me.

"Brianna, when you pray I hear and answer you. You speak my words."

God started telling me that I have been given the gift of prayer which is a many-fold gift.

That not only does this mean I have the gift to sound poetic and stir passion in the hearts of those hearing my prayers but that prayer in an umbrella gift that includes many!

If God hears and answers my prayers, and I speak His words then that includes the gift of healing, of prophesy, words of knowledge, wisdom, etc. All through my ability to ask.

*  *  *

Yesterday something awful happened. If you know me well, you'll know just how awful it was.

I lost my wallet.

I was under the impression that this had been only the second time that I have lost my wallet during an overly compromising situation. However, while simultaneously whining to Justin on the phone about my irresponsibility, and wrecking havoc on our Chevrolet Cobalt in search for my Vera Bradley wallet, Justin conveniently reminded me that this was the FOURTH time this has happened since he's known me.

I tried contacting the Senior Center that we had done our programming at and they could not find it. I suspected that the teacher in charge of the school we were working for had grabbed it, but they had no way of contacting us, nor us them (outside of business numbers).

It was already passed sun-down and we had already driven about an hour and 45 mins back to our hotel. My wallet had my debit cards, drivers license, hotel key, and my home keys. I could have driven to get it the next day but it would add nearly 4 hours to our already 6 hour drive back home. (Which I was willing to suffer but I hated to make my partner, Nathan, suffer for my mistakes.)

We got back to our hotel and I felt a little hopeless and annoyed with myself. Justin reminded me that I needed to be more careful and responsible with my things.

He was right. (As usual)

But then I remembered what God had told me only a few nights pervious: "Brianna, when you pray I hear and answer you."

So I thought I would test this. I knelt down beside my bed and bowed my head. I asked for the same thing I had asked before regarding the checks: peace and faith that he takes care of me. I took time to meditate on and celebrate that He WILL answer my prayers.

Minutes later I receive a call from our contact and SHE HAS MY WALLET! She agreed to meet me at the senior center and return my wallet safely to my hands.

Praise God! Discovering this new gift is very eye opening and has opened my eyes to all the times he has taken care of me (and those around me) in the past. (Ask my mother and Williams who can some times be slightly annoyed how things always work out for me haha).

I'm looking forward to all the testimonies this discovery will bring. Remember that your prayers are heard AND answered. Please say a quick prayer for me and what this will bring me in this next season!

xoxoxo

Your Goal: Make an Idiot of Yourself

Some of you may or may not know this but I actually offer private acting lessons. I have only had two students but I've had to take a break from the lessons since moving to Minneapolis.

Anyways!
I was coaching a young girl (14) and was teaching her the importance of bold choices. Now there isn't really an exact definition for bold choices, but if you mention it to any actor who knows his salt, he'll know exactly what you mean. The way I define it to my kiddies is this: an interesting and risky choice in a scene that may or may not be successful. I believe that anyone can be a great actor if they hone the skill of making bold choices. Now I didn't read that anywhere, this is based on my own discovery.

So I was taking my young pupil through a monologue and challenging her to make bold choices. I told her the goal for the next run-through was to make herself look like an idiot. All I wanted was for her to do her monologue and make a fool of herself.

This is difficult, my friends! ESPECIALLY if you were raised in middle-class white America. We are all taught that looking like a fool is unacceptable- that we have to constantly keep our cool and never put ourselves in a situation that might lead to embarrassment or judgment. 

I told my student that this is my mantra for each audition I go to. "I'm going to go in there and my goal is to make a fool of myself. To find places to take risks." That is because those are the type of people that get noticed and more importantly hired. 

I had to start doing this because I have a mild case of social anxiety. I some times have hard times walking into classrooms or parties because I fear that I am going to be late, or early, or overdressed, or underdressed, or in the wrong place, or I wasn't actually invited- all these thoughts run through my head. I had to teach myself that there is nothing wrong with being embarrassed or uncomfortable or wrong about something.

I was reminded of this thought while doing some reading this morning. I'm currently making my way through several books (some include Spirituality and You, The Devil in the White City, Radical Faith, The Screwtape Letters, and What's So Great About Christianity. . . I have a horrible habit of reading several books at once, taking my 6 times as long to read each book.) But the book I was reading this morning is When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson who is the pastor over at Bethel and is known for his work with the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry

(Too many links!) Anyways, in my readings I have found Bill giving several examples of how people have stepped out in faith and saw miraculous things happen. My favorite story is of a man ordering food in a fast-food restaurant and starts ministering not to the people taking his order, but to people in their car who are waiting in the drive thru window!

He goes on to talk about moving to the realm beyond reason to follow Gods voice:

“In New Testament terms, being a people focused on His presence means that we are willing to live beyond reason. Not impulsively or foolishly, for these are poor imitations for real faith. The realm beyond reason is the world of obedience to God. Obedience is the expression of faith, and faith is our claim ticket to the God realm.”

This was very profound for me.  Many of my prayers recently have been for God to grow my faith and give me strength to step out in boldness. I want to praise God in church the way I praise him in my living room when my roommates are out of town. I want to lay hands and pray for my coworkers when they have a headache. I want to call out to a stranger and speak His truth to them. I want to see people healed and freed. But my anxiety holds my flesh back from the desires of my spirit.

And I’m reminded of my young student. She had absolutely nothing to fear but her own ego. I stood in a room alone with her and asked her to step out of her comfort zone- this freedom would lead her to roles and talent currently appearing out of her reach . . . but she had to attempt to function in this state of discomfort.

As you can imagine I correlated this to the things God is calling me to do. My students desire was already there to achieve greatness; I was only showing her how to get there. My desire to live in boldness and access the supernatural is already there. God is only showing me how to get there.


As an actor I had to deal with my anxiety and find ways to not just function, but flourish in an audition despite my emotions. My next big task is to flourish in my identity as a person who allows heaven and miracles to come earth. So my mantra to make myself look like and idiot no longer pertains to just my acting, but will now apply to my obedience in Christ.

God Answers the Desires of Our Hearts/Testimony

This is a short testimony I wanted to share with you. Nothing crazy exciting or dramatic but I wanted to show that God DOES answer the desires of our heart.

Nearly four years ago back in 2010, I was 19 years old and finishing my first summer at the Mesa Arts Center. It was my first Mon-Fri job and I actually wasn't crazy about working there. What I was crazy about were these two little blond sisters who were 4 and 7 at the time. It was the last day of camp and over the 8 weeks I had worked there I had grown smitten over these two cuties. They were fun, adorable, energized, affectionate, smart, and just a great pair of kids. I was nervous and anxious on the night before the last day of camp, because I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see them again. So my 19 year old self was determined that I was going to connect with them. I sat in my messy pink and orange room and I wrote a note in my nicest handwriting to their mother, whom I had never met. The note explained that I had really gotten to know the girls and that they were really good kids and that I was going to miss them. It said that if the girls ever needed a babysitter that I would be more than happy and always open to do it.

I put the letter in an envelope and brought it to work on the last day. But before I gave it to the girl to give to their mom, I decided not to go through with it. I had never met their mother and heard things from the other workers that she was uptight and strict and I thought getting a letter like would seriously creep her out. I accepted that when you work with kids, part of the job is loving the kids and then saying goodbye to them forever some times. As sad as it sounds, It's something I've had to accept over the years. It makes life easier if you don't let yourself get too attached.

A year later I was back at Summer Arts Camp and guess whose beautiful shinning faces were there on the first day?? My little Veronica and Marcella. I was so excited. And for three more summers after that I said good bye to them, hoping and praying they would be there again next camp.

The girls also attended Fall, Winter, and Spring camps which were all shorter and some times I didn't work them. This past Fall break they were there and I had striked up a conversation with the younger sister, Veronica and asked her what school she went to. She told me the name of an elementary school only a quarter of a mile away from the center, which would only be a mile and a half away from my home. I was confused because I thought they had attended a Montessori in way East Mesa so I asker her where she lived. She told me she lived on Orange street.... which was ONE street over from my house. I kept prying so I could figure out just how close she lived but a now 7 year old didn't know much about it. So I asked her older sister, Marcella, who gave me an exact address. After a quick google maps search I found out that they had lived IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. Not even a quarter of a mile away. I could WALK there. I was a little excited that they lived so close.

I took a chance and decided to invite them to my Halloween party I was having at my house, because it was going to be family friendly with a bunch of activities for kids. I wrote down the party information and my address and phone number and said goodbye to them on the last day of camp.

A couple weeks went by and I hadn't received a phone call. I was nervous that their mother was weirded out that their drama teacher had invited them over to her house. Eventually I just forgot about it and accepted they weren't coming.

The night of the party were were about 30 minutes in when the doorbell rights and look who is on my doorstep! Veronica and Marcella in full costume with their mother as an escort. I couldn't believe it! Their mom came in and chatted with me for a bit. She was super nice and charismatic and Veronica even convinced her to put on a costume from our costume box since she didn't wear one. She wore a hula skirt and her sports bra that she goes running in and was a hula girl! She let the girls run around the party while she played Just Dance all night and even sang a few songs on karaoke. Everything I had heard about their mother, Lisa, had been completely wrong. She was such a cool mom and she thanked me for giving the girls an opportunity to have "good clean fun" for Halloween.

(Story almost over)

A month or so later I get a call from Lisa which surprised me. She had kept my number from the paper I had given the girls from Halloween. She explained to me that she had work early in the morning and that the school bus came an hour and a half after she would have to leave. She didn't feel comfortable leaving the girls home alone for that long and she was wondering if I could watch them during that time. YES! Of course!

So now every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday I walk down to their cute and organized home and I eat breakfast with the girls, help get their things ready, and walk them down to their bus stop.

Only four years ago God had really given me a big heart for these girls and put the desire on my heart to babysit them. And tomorrow morning I will be seeing them again! I was patient and God answered my desires.

And after all this, I've realized that God was the one who ignited the desire in my heart to begin with and in His time it was fulfilled.

[UPDATE]

It's currently January of 2015 and I had written this blog in December of 2013! It was great getting to reread this story and be reminded of how God really does care about our seemingly tiny wants. I didn't babysit Veronica and Marcella very much longer after that as it was time for me to move out of my mothers house shortly after. However, I still stay in contact with the girls and visit them when I'm in town. I love the three of them so much and am so thrilled they are apart of my life. Not sure they'll ever see this but if you do, know that I love you and I'm so blessed to have you as friends.

PTL

The Adventures of Dating Justin Fallon Part 1

The Adventures of Dating Justin Fallon Part 1

As of today, Mr. J and I have been dating for exactly one month. Two and a half weeks of that month was spent in a blissful face-to-face courting. This mostly took place watching films in his living room as we shoved as much quality time into my short visit home over break as we could. The other two weeks have been spent over text, call, and video chat across a span of exactly 1,663 miles.

I'm not sure how much truth is found in the statement "distance makes the heart grow fonder." My heart is currently at such an elevated level of fondess that I'm actually unsure if it's due the distance or if it's just something magical that he does to me regardless.

I must say, however, dating is a strange thing to do with a person you can't see face to face. We can't plan dinners or outings or cute activities to do as a couple. Much of our evenings are spent sitting on our own beds discussing our days and recent discoveries in spirituality and prayer.

My favorite part about Justin Fallon is his mind. His wit, cunning, and expertise seem to know no end. Fortunately for me, this part is shared very easily through technological communication. I can't hold his hand or hug him tightly, but I am comforted each night by his thoughts, opinions, and words of affirmation. (And jokes about socks).

It has only been 30 days since I agreed to be Justin Fallon's girlfriend. It seems so short a time but I still feel very achieved. I'm pleased The Lord sent me a friend who turned out to be much more than just a friend but someone very special to me. A friend to challenge my stances and to interest me in film and television I thought beyond my taste. He thinks before he speaks and apologizes when he's wrong.

If 30 days was all I got with Justin Fallon, than I'd be 30 days the better. So today we celebrate our first small checkpoint on a road to, I hope, many many more.