I've been feeling a lot of feelings lately.
It's a cross between failure to meet expectations, loneliness, and confusion... and being lost.
I feel really lost. I have no idea where my life is going and I have lost all sense of direction for my life.
Although I have recently come to the realization that there is not one way to live life. I'm not big on conspiracies but I really feel like this "American Dream" is one fat, ugly joke.
Everyone has been laying my life out for me since the day I was born. Parents want to be able to tell all their friends what a great child they have because they feel like they have lost all hope in themselves and raising a super star will make up for it. So they do the best they can to make their babies genius to prepare them for elementary school. They sign them up for gymnastics or karate or give them piano lessons in hopes that it might be the key to their kids "success". Elementary school prepares us for junior high. Junior high prepares us for high school. High school prepares us for college. College prepares us for life. Supposedly.
Then we're pressured into dating and getting married. If you're still single by 25 there's something wrong with you.
It's surprising to meet someone my age who has never dated. WHY? This seriously makes me angry.
Perhaps I'm confident enough in myself to be single while I'm young. Or perhaps it's because I'm fat and no one wants to date me. Maybe it's both? Who the eff cares?
People stare and gossip about strange people. It's freaky when we hear someone who is a part of some strange new cult. Then everyone gets on their facebook pages and write articles and articles about how ridiculous it is that these people follow this cult and no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing. Well no one in their right mind would think that inanimate objects have feels so they move their stuff around often so everything get's a chance to been seen and appreciated, but I still do it.
Well all do it. It's just different variations. I always wonder who is out there spreading these lies that we are all normal and we only do normal things. Who is out there perpetuating these false claims that we have to adhere to certain social standars?!
I've been feeling weird because I am weird. People say "I'm weird" all the time and for the longest time I wanted everyone who said that to go and dive off a cliff. Congratulations. You're weird. No one likes you because of it. Is that what you want to hear? But I have actually realized that every person who has ever said it is true.
Life can be so dumb. The people who I always thought had judged me for being a "bad" person are actually doing things I would never even think of doing.
The people who I thought were arrogant rude are turning out to be my favorite people.
Even the people like me are trying to control my life; because the person controlling their life told them too. I didn't want a stupid credit card and I told the guy I didn't want one but he still had me sign the stupid application for one. Why? Because it's his job. His boss told him not to take no for an answer and thats exactly what he did.
You know what term I hate? "It's better to give then to receive." People take this as: always give, never receive. If everyone did this, we would have a world of people trying to give things to people who wouldn't take it. Why can't it be "Give with good intentions and receive with a full heart."?
I'm not really making any sense and it's probably because I'm slightly frustrated... sometimes I just feel like I'm in some kind of hologram room and I'm being put in these life situations to see how I'll react.
I really want a boyfriend. There, I said it. I have never been one to pine after love for loves sake but it's all I feel lately. It basically makes me want to stab myself in the eye admitting it. I would actually prefer to stay single until I'm like, I don't know, 25? Then date the same guy forever until I'm ready to get married when I'm like 30.
But my emotions betray me. I think it's because all my best friends are on far ends of the planets right now. Tehya is in Kansas, Nate is in Utah, Williams is in Connecticut, and Zach is in Colorado.
That's probably why I'm writing this. Because I have no one to vent to so I come up with all these crazy ideas and "deep thoughts". It also might be due to the fact that It's 330 in the morning.
I just thought I would be someone different by now.
I hate that I'm going on my fourth year at a community college. I wanted to go to UCLA. I wanted to be an actress. The last thing I wanted to do was be a drama teacher. And I was just celebrating that I got to teach drama for the first time today. (Yesterday)
We always expect the people who turned out as "losers" to be less happy. The ones who dropped out of college. Had babies really early. Working at McDonalds. You know the archetype.
But is that always the case?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
KCACTF
So it 1:40 am in Ogden, Utah right now and I am blogging from my bed in the dark room of my hotel. It is my third night here and I am really enjoying myself!
KCACTF: Kennedy Center for the Arts Theatre Festival. It's basically the only national college theatre competition. I'm here because I got nominated for acting to come and compete against other nominated actors to win the Irene Ryan scholarship. But the festival has so much more to offer including amazing workshops, 10 minute plays, auditions for theatre schools and companies, free shows, and some great networking! I've already met so many talented actors who I hope to stay in touch with.
Anyways, I've already done my three minute scene which is pretty much the second step you take towards winning the Irene Ryan scholarship. (The first step being getting nominated.) I thought my partner and I did a fabulous job and I felt our performance was quite compelling and naturalistic. A few lines were dropped but I think we did a good job and covering those up. The judges spoke with us after about the scene and they said that they thought that I did a good job with the scene, that I was a great actress, that they would love to work with me, and they felt that I did a good job of being strong and sensitive and the same time, among other things. On the more constructive side, they said that they wanted to see more of my talent and that I should have picked a scene that would have been better at showing that off. They said that I didn't completely capture the hurt and grief as well as I could have. Personally, I think the judgment was a bit bias seeing as they were both largely familiar with the show. BUT, I do think they were right. I wanted to kick myself for not choosing and African American scene which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I chose Rabbit Hole (my scene) because I was getting super stressed with the time that I just chose the next decent scene I read. Little did I know how difficult and challenging it would be. But I will say that I learned more about myself as an actor by doing this scene.
With that being said, I was not selected to compete in round two. They chose 48 scenes out of the 221. Three of the five scenes from MCC were selected though! Each consisting of some very talented actors and good friends of mine. I am so proud and happy for them! But to be honest, it is very difficult not to be a bit bitter. It's so hard to watch the people around you succeeding while you have to stay back. Especially since I worked so hard and wanted it so bad. It's like practicing and practicing and giving everything you can only to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team walk their way to victory with such ease.
I'm trying to find the lesson that God wants me to learn here. Before I had gotten to the school I prayed that God would make His Will known to me. I said "If you want me to win so I learn that I am good at what I do, let it be so. If you want me to lose so I learn that no matter what to keep trying, then let it be so. If you want me to not win but have small victories to teach me humbleness, that please let it be so." But then again it's not my job to figure out what God is gonna do.
I feel like I wouldn't be so bummed if I actually thought that I was good. I know for sure that I am not a "bad actor" but I have come to give myself the title "good enough."
KCACTF: Kennedy Center for the Arts Theatre Festival. It's basically the only national college theatre competition. I'm here because I got nominated for acting to come and compete against other nominated actors to win the Irene Ryan scholarship. But the festival has so much more to offer including amazing workshops, 10 minute plays, auditions for theatre schools and companies, free shows, and some great networking! I've already met so many talented actors who I hope to stay in touch with.
Anyways, I've already done my three minute scene which is pretty much the second step you take towards winning the Irene Ryan scholarship. (The first step being getting nominated.) I thought my partner and I did a fabulous job and I felt our performance was quite compelling and naturalistic. A few lines were dropped but I think we did a good job and covering those up. The judges spoke with us after about the scene and they said that they thought that I did a good job with the scene, that I was a great actress, that they would love to work with me, and they felt that I did a good job of being strong and sensitive and the same time, among other things. On the more constructive side, they said that they wanted to see more of my talent and that I should have picked a scene that would have been better at showing that off. They said that I didn't completely capture the hurt and grief as well as I could have. Personally, I think the judgment was a bit bias seeing as they were both largely familiar with the show. BUT, I do think they were right. I wanted to kick myself for not choosing and African American scene which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I chose Rabbit Hole (my scene) because I was getting super stressed with the time that I just chose the next decent scene I read. Little did I know how difficult and challenging it would be. But I will say that I learned more about myself as an actor by doing this scene.
With that being said, I was not selected to compete in round two. They chose 48 scenes out of the 221. Three of the five scenes from MCC were selected though! Each consisting of some very talented actors and good friends of mine. I am so proud and happy for them! But to be honest, it is very difficult not to be a bit bitter. It's so hard to watch the people around you succeeding while you have to stay back. Especially since I worked so hard and wanted it so bad. It's like practicing and practicing and giving everything you can only to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team walk their way to victory with such ease.
I'm trying to find the lesson that God wants me to learn here. Before I had gotten to the school I prayed that God would make His Will known to me. I said "If you want me to win so I learn that I am good at what I do, let it be so. If you want me to lose so I learn that no matter what to keep trying, then let it be so. If you want me to not win but have small victories to teach me humbleness, that please let it be so." But then again it's not my job to figure out what God is gonna do.
I feel like I wouldn't be so bummed if I actually thought that I was good. I know for sure that I am not a "bad actor" but I have come to give myself the title "good enough."
Dream
I had a dream that there was this man who was kidnapping children and he was trying to kidnap me. Every time I tried to call the police they would put me on hold or when I explained to them what was happening they would hang up on me. Eventually I escaped and I freed the children in captivity. There was also a baby. He was incredibly small. He was like the size of a barbie. He was still covered in blood like he had just been born so I brought him to the sink to wash him. Brent told me not to put him in the sink because he would drown but just to scoop the water on him. I was so nervous. He kept falling asleep while I washed him and I thought he was dying. But he was fine. We brought the baby home and I was taking care of him. I'm not sure if he was growing really fast or if time was going by very fast but only a few hours later he was as big as a 2 month old baby. I kept telling myself that I had to find his real parents. I went to go look online to see if anyone had lost the baby, who's name was Cole Anderson. I looked and looked and couldn't find anyone. Which I was secretly glad because I wanted to keep him. He soon was old enough to hold up his own head and say little phrases. I had found the babies older brother and sister and they had asked to come visit the 2 bedroom apartment we lived in. They came in their uniforms because they attended some type of catholic boarding school. Then they asked if they could stay and live with us. I woke up shortly after so I don't quite remember the rest.
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