Happy Babble

Praise you! Praise you God! Praise the Spirit that is upon me and within me! Overcome me Lord. Show me a new world. This love that you have taught me... have SHOWN me. Indescribable. I love someone I cannot see! But I do see you. I see you in the eyes of my nephew. In the breathtaking stars in the sky. Gosh, I love the stars. I adore them. Surely the greatest and most romantic invention of all time.

But now I'm trying too hard to sound poetic. I just want to be able to love you in the best way possible. I'm constantly praying for your Will because I've realized all the things that I want are trivial.

I am happy... so incredibly happy. Each day is a new adventure with you. It's funny how my saddest days are what lead me to you who have given me my happiest day in my life!

Purpose... purpose is one of the best gifts you've given me. Purpose is what moves me. What gives me air in my lungs. Your Great Purpose, Lord.

It's times like these that I'm surprised I've ever doubted you. Gosh! I feel like there is a river flowing right through my heart right now. The emotion is so strong, it's physical!

Lord you're just so GOOD. SO GREAT. I WORSHIP YOU OH LORD. ALL BLESSINGS AND GLORY TO YOU OH LORD.

Joy! Wondrous Joy!

It's funny how the closer you feel, the closer I want you to be.

My Dream

So me and someone else went into this really nice house and it was haunted. I think it might have been a boy from my work whose name is Kale or maybe it was Tehya. We were holding hands because were were terrified and we walked through the dark house. Kale had gotten behind a bit and he had ran to catch up and he said "the people at the table had no expression!" but what he meant was that they didn't have a face. I saw a few of these scary kids. We ran to the parlor and all of a sudden it was daylight. There was an older man (late fifties early 60s) who was the owner of the house. He explined to us that the house was haunted or curesed or something like that, and when there was no sunlight him, and all of these orphaned children turned into monsters. But if you played along with the monsters they wouldn't hurt you. He said that he wanted to move to a sunnier place and he needed normal people to help. Because he didn't want to risk hurting anyone.

Then the sunlight went away behind a cloud of something and it ws dark and all the children and the man turned into monsters. The only person who didn't turn into a monster was the mans wife. We sat at the table and played along with him but did not drink the pumkin juice the scary man offered us. We were not to eat or drink anything the offered us. Then the man got and idea. He took a knife from the table and stabbed his wife in the back and then pretened like he didn't know what happened. The wife stammered around and went outside to wait for the sun to come out. All the mosteres started freaking out and getting scared and angry. I think I was like a nurse or something in the dream and I tried helping her. The man tried to tell everyone that I stabbed her. I asked the man to go get me some towels and some wet, warm cloths. He brought towels and took off an article of clothing that was wet and warm from his sweat. I got angry and told him he had germs and to go get me a clean one. He got angry but I don't think he went back for it. We found something that worked. I looked at the womans wound and they were only superficial but you could see other places in her back where her husband had attempted to do the same thing before.

He yelled at all the orphans that it was me who did it and they had to kill me. I got angry and told the man that he was sick and HE was the one that did it.

I don't really remember what happens next but later we had to find some way to kill all the orphans. And the orphans had turned into clones. Clones of people I think I knew. But one of the clones in particular was Jonathan. A guy from one of my jobs who I have a crush on in real life. The rest of them seemed vile and disgusting and like monsters but Jonathan seemed perfectly normal. They were all wearing these like, almost biking outfits. There were colored like green, pink, and I think the other might have been orange. But Jonathan had on a blue one. But there were still a million clones of him and they had to be destroyed. Me and my team were finding different way to kill them and one of them was by gas or like poison. We found a way to trap them in these rooms and then we poisned the air inside. The most memberable moment from the dream is when I told a Jonathan-clone to follow me and all the clones ran after me. I ran through a room and someone behind shut the door behind them. I got a head and shut the doors behind me trapping them. The doors were see through like the ones at a supermaket. Jonathan stops an looks around confused. Then he realizes what's happening. He hears the poisen and he looks around at it. Then he looks back at me. I start crying, and I lipsynch "I'm sorry." He looks and me and smirks and says "I know"he says something else and points behind me but I don't understand him. I say "what?!" he lifts up his shirt and show that he is wearing spandex shorts. I don't know why I saw this as meaningful but I run off the find the real Jonathan. I'm still super sad because the clones were the people. They had the same feelings and memories.

You Can't Win if You Don't Play

The other day I went to go get gas. When I went to pay there was a line. The guy in front of me bought a lottery ticket. His girlfriend asked him why he bought the ticket and he replied that powerball was up to some ridiculously high number. He thanked the guy next to him for also buy a ticket, reminding him to get one as well.

"You can't win if you don't play!" He said and the two men shared a laugh.

When this happened I knew that God had a message, but I didn't know what it was until I was worshiping this morning.

I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend once. He thought it was ridiculous that one could live a terrible, non-Christian life of sin, and then in their last breath give their heart to Christ and receive eternal life.

As we worshiped this morning, my thoughts started to wander off and I started contemplating the ease of salvation. I imagined lips asking God to reveal Truth.

The simplicity of the phrase. It seemed almost too bold of God to promise us that if we really wanted to know Him and we really wanted to know the Truth, all we would have to do is ask Him in honesty. "Ask and you will receive," it says, "seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Surely there must be more to it than a heavy amount of curiosity and a few mumbled words!

Then I thought back to the lotto ticket. You can't win if you don't play. Perhaps this would be a better slogan for the Christian church?

People will give their money just for a mere chance of winning; the odds heavily against them. But here we see that God asks nothing of us, but to ask. What is money compared to eternal life? People would sacrifice far more for the former than what is needed for the latter.

If a friend told you that they went to the casino and played a slot machine and won without having to pay, would you go try it yourself? Even if you weren't positive it was true. Would what you lost in the efforts it took to do it, be worth what the actual prize was?

When considering your own soul and life, you could ask yourself the same question. Would the promises Jesus made (supplying everything we need, everything will work out for our good, giving us a gift and a passion, victory over death, and of course eternal life with him) worth the few moments and breath it would take to ask Him for it?

When I think of all that Jesus went through. The torture. The trials. All the men and women of the bible who lived lives of sin and mistakes so that we could learn from. It seems a travesty that there is only one single thing that must be done to receive it all.

So you may say that people in churches are brainwashed; that when we say we "feel the Holy Spirt" that it's something we've tricked ourselves into believing. Prove us wrong.

Tonight, right this very second, we can try it. There isn't much to it. But before you do, you must allow the bitterness and bias to fade for just a moment while you pray. Close the door to allow privacy and perhaps embarrassment. Get on your knees. Close your eyes. Before you speak, really allow yourself to believe for a moment that this may true, and say "Dear Lord. Right now I speak to you, not even knowing if your real. But God I pray that you will reveal yourself to me. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come now and reveal the truth to me. I pray that my eyes would be opened and my heart would be softened. Lord you said if I seek, then I will find, so I seek you now..."

If you wish to take it a step further, "Lord, if you are real, and what you promise is true, then I would like to give my life to you now. I ask Jesus to come into my heart right now and wash me clean. Forgive me of my sin and make my heart new. In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask these things. Amen."

When you pray, be very hopeful. And I know God will move in you. If you don't understand some of these things, feel free to say it in your own words or research what everything means. But most importantly: Be honest. Praying for you.

I WANT TO BE AN ACTOR thereisaidit

(Currently listening to The Funeral by Band of Horses)

I have known that I wanted to be an actor ever since I was in elementary school. Of course my actual vision of what that means to me has morphed and shaped over the years, but it's like I wasn't even me before that's what I decided I wanted to do.

Anyways, most of you reading this are probably already aware of my passions for theatre. But I was moved to write this blog.

If you have ever studied acting in school or at an arts center or a studio, you have probably been told to not quit your day job. (In a completely non-offensive way.) For those of you who haven't heard this, it pretty much means: Acting (especially for the stage) is not a realist method of income. Even if you are getting cast into show back-to-back, it usually isn't enough to sustain a home, car, and family. So acting coaches/teacher will tell you to find something else that you enjoy doing or you're good at to support your acting career. Yes, by all means pursue your acting with every ounce of ambition your heart can give, but maybe be a teacher (for example) to support yourself.

For the longest time I told myself that I was just going to act for fun. I was going to find a "real job" and whenever I got the chance to act, I would. In the past 4 years, this job has changed several times: makeup artist, playwright, director, producer, publicist, set designer, and most recently: scenic carpenter. If I got job doing any of these things I would be a really happy camper.

But I recently joined The Megaw Actors Studio and there has just been something stirring inside of me, ever since. I can't get away from the fact that I am so in love with acting. And not this puppy dog love that kids in jr. high have. It's almost biblical. It's not just a feeling I'm having, it's a commitment. My love goes deep enough that it makes me enjoy the tedious things about acting: memorizing, paperwork, long rehearsals, annoying cast-mates, lack of sleep, early call times, running the same scene over and over and over and over so that by the last run you feel ready to scream and attack your director.

I'm certainly not making a spectacle of my love for theatre, nor am I trying to prove that it's genuine. I've just decided that I don't want to act on the side. Today I am stating that this is what I want to do with my life. I want this to be my career and I want to die doing it. And if this statement changes next year, or even if it changes in a few weeks: okay. But right now I am ready, World!

Feeling Empty?

you ever get those days/weeks/months/season in your life where you feel spiritually disconnected? You pray and you feel like no one is listening. Whenever you're caught lifting your hands during worship or taking communion or discussing the presence of angles/demons, (or any part of being a Christian that the World might find strange) and you get that little twinge of doubt in the back of your mind. We all have those moments. Personally, I believe that they're essential for having that relationship. I believe God can use those times for many reasons: to strengthen your relationship, to teach you something, or even to test you.

I am in the process of getting over one of those "fluffs". It's been going on for about a 2 months now. I would pray and cry out to the Lord and hear nothing. Feel nothing; nothing but loneliness. But for the past week or so I've been reading 1 Peter over and over every night. My last post was about the things I learned from reading and rereading it. But I also recently started rereading The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. (If you don't know Lewis, he is probably the most famous Christian writer there ever has been). I have been learning a lot from this book as well!

If you haven't read the book yet: DO IT. It's a bit confusing the first time you read it, but it's very good. Basically it's about these two demons, Wormtail and his uncle Screwtape. The whole book is just a bunch of letters written to Wormtail. We never read young Wormtails letters, but Screwtape references them in his writing. In this world of the book, each demon is assigned a human, or a "patient". Their job, and basically their life purpose, is to make sure that his human does not get to heaven. These letters that Screwtape writes consist of advice on how to ensure the damnation of Wormtails patient. So basically the book is a "What NOT to Do" book. Lewis is so elegant in his writing. So many times while I'm reading the book I'm a little convicted because the things Screwtape writes about humans are so true.

ANYWAYS, after all that expedition, the point to this post: I read something very profound in the book and I would like to share. (initially it'll seem like a silly and minuscule point but I would urge you to think about it.) In this passage Screwtape is talking about Christians.

"At the very least, they can be persuaded that the bodily position makes no difference to their prayers; for they constantly forget, what you must always remember, that they are animals and that whatever their bodies do affect their souls."

I have never thought about this before. Firstly, I have gotten so used to just praying laying comfortably underneath my covers (since almost as long as I can remember). Of course there have been several times where I actually did the whole, kneeling-at-my-bed-with-my-fingers-interlocked-prayer when I was really desperate for something, but once every once in a blue moon.

So, for the past handful of nights I have been getting down on my knees beside my bead and saying my prayers that way. Sure enough I felt this focus by the 3 times I did it. I was praying for anything and everyone and I didn't want to stop. It felt so great and I have felt closer to God than I have felt in a while.

So give it a go! It's worth a try. Make a goal to kneel beside your bed with your eyes closed during prayer... let's say for one week. Take the Kneeling Prayer One Week Challenge!

If you see any type of difference please comment or message me and let me know!

Praying for you guys!

My Calling

So I remember watching this video a while ago whenever all of these types of videos were popular and I remember the part at :52 where she is flipping through the bible to a random page and praying that God will give her some insight through wherever her finger landed.

I thought this was hilarious because I've totally done it.. several times. I never really get much from it. Sometimes were so desperate to hear from God that we do silly things like that.

But recently I've been praying that God would guide me to a place to read. I would go to the first book and chapter that popped into my mind. It was frustrating because it would always be the same book and  nearly always the same chapter. I would read from it and it was nice and all but it never really spoke to me.

Finally I decided to just invest the next couple of weeks to reading and re-reading this book which is 1 Peter, and it's been really great! There have been some really good gems in there and nearly every time I read something, I find some way of executing what I learn the next day. I read something one day and it'll just be a bunch of words and then the next it will be very profound.

(I would like to encourage you to pick a book in the Bible and spend the next couple of weeks doing the same thing.)

I pray before I start that I will learn something and then I pray after for assistance in executing what I've learned.

What I stumbled upon today, (and what motivated me to write this blog entry) is 1 Peter 5:10-11. What is reads in the NIV (which I'm reading from) is:

"10 God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God's generosity  can flow through you. 11 Are you called to be a speaker? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Are you called to help others? Do it will all the strength and energy that God supplies..."

I realized that I have been telling everyone that I have been called to do theatre. Have I been doing theatre like Christ would? I would like to say yes to this, but I don't think I can. I have realized that if this is my calling, it's my obligation to pursue it as I would pursue Christ. I can't just do it half-heartedly and expect to change life. I have to be radical. I have to go above and beyond and excel in my school work. I MUST be good. Theatre is a type of major that always tells you to do you best and do things at your own pace. That there isn't really "bad" or "wrong" and it takes the pressure off of really having to try hard. Well today is the last day that I purse my calling hal-way. From now on, I am going above and beyond everything. (At least I'm going to try)

Are you pursuing your calling like you pursue Christ?

Best Steer Clear

I've been feeling a lot of feelings lately.

It's a cross between failure to meet expectations, loneliness, and confusion... and being lost.

I feel really lost. I have no idea where my life is going and I have lost all sense of direction for my life.

Although I have recently come to the realization that there is not one way to live life. I'm not big on conspiracies but I really feel like this "American Dream" is one fat, ugly joke.

Everyone has been laying my life out for me since the day I was born. Parents want to be able to tell all their friends what a great child they have because they feel like they have lost all hope in themselves and raising a super star will make up for it. So they do the best they can to make their babies genius to prepare them for elementary school. They sign them up for gymnastics or karate or give them piano lessons in hopes that it might be the key to their kids "success". Elementary school prepares us for junior high. Junior high prepares us for high school. High school prepares us for college. College prepares us for life. Supposedly.

Then we're pressured into dating and getting married. If you're still single by 25 there's something wrong with you.

It's surprising to meet someone my age who has never dated. WHY? This seriously makes me angry.

Perhaps I'm confident enough in myself to be single while I'm young. Or perhaps it's because I'm fat and no one wants to date me. Maybe it's both? Who the eff cares?

People stare and gossip about strange people. It's freaky when we hear someone who is a part of some strange new cult. Then everyone gets on their facebook pages and write articles and articles about how ridiculous it is that these people follow this cult and no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing. Well no one in their right mind would think that inanimate objects have feels so they move their stuff around often so everything get's a chance to been seen and appreciated, but I still do it.

Well all do it. It's just different variations. I always wonder who is out there spreading these lies that we are all normal and we only do normal things. Who is out there perpetuating these false claims that we have to adhere to certain social standars?!

I've been feeling weird because I am weird. People say "I'm weird" all the time and for the longest time I wanted everyone who said that to go and dive off a cliff. Congratulations. You're weird. No one likes you because of it. Is that what you want to hear? But I have actually realized that every person who has ever said it is true.

Life can be so dumb. The people who I always thought had judged me for being a "bad" person are actually doing things I would never even think of doing.

The people who I thought were arrogant rude are turning out to be my favorite people.

Even the people like me are trying to control my life; because the person controlling their life told them too. I didn't want a stupid credit card and I told the guy I didn't want one but he still had me sign the stupid application for one. Why? Because it's his job. His boss told him not to take no for an answer and thats exactly what he did.

You know what term I hate? "It's better to give then to receive." People take this as: always give, never receive. If everyone did this, we would have a world of people trying to give things to people who wouldn't take it. Why can't it be "Give with good intentions and receive with a full heart."?

I'm not really making any sense and it's probably because I'm slightly frustrated... sometimes I just feel like I'm in some kind of hologram room and I'm being put in these life situations to see how I'll react.

I really want a boyfriend. There, I said it. I have never been one to pine after love for loves sake but it's all I feel lately. It basically makes me want to stab myself in the eye admitting it. I would actually prefer to stay single until I'm like, I don't know, 25? Then date the same guy forever until I'm ready to get married when I'm like 30.

But my emotions betray me. I think it's because all my best friends are on far ends of the planets right now. Tehya is in Kansas, Nate is in Utah, Williams is in Connecticut, and Zach is in Colorado.

That's probably why I'm writing this. Because I have no one to vent to so I come up with all these crazy ideas and "deep thoughts". It also might be due to the fact that It's 330 in the morning.

I just thought I would be someone different by now.

I hate that I'm going on my fourth year at a community college. I wanted to go to UCLA. I wanted to be an actress. The last thing I wanted to do was be a drama teacher. And I was just celebrating that I got to teach drama for the first time today. (Yesterday)

 We always expect the people who turned out as "losers" to be less happy. The ones who dropped out of college. Had babies really early. Working at McDonalds. You know the archetype.

But is that always the case?

KCACTF

So it 1:40 am in Ogden, Utah right now and I am blogging from my bed in the dark room of my hotel. It is my third night here and I am really enjoying myself!

KCACTF: Kennedy Center for the Arts Theatre Festival. It's basically the only national college theatre competition. I'm here because I got nominated for acting to come and compete against other nominated actors to win the Irene Ryan scholarship. But the festival has so much more to offer including amazing workshops, 10 minute plays, auditions for theatre schools and companies, free shows, and some great networking! I've already met so many talented actors who I hope to stay in touch with.

Anyways, I've already done my three minute scene which is pretty much the second step you take towards winning the Irene Ryan scholarship. (The first step being getting nominated.) I thought my partner and I did a fabulous job and I felt our performance was quite compelling and naturalistic. A few lines were dropped but I think we did a good job and covering those up. The judges spoke with us after about the scene and they said that they thought that I did a good job with the scene, that I was a great actress, that they would love to work with me, and they felt that I did a good job of being strong and sensitive and the same time, among other things. On the more constructive side, they said that they wanted to see more of my talent and that I should have picked a scene that would have been better at showing that off. They said that I didn't completely capture the hurt and grief as well as I could have. Personally, I think the judgment was a bit bias seeing as they were both largely familiar with the show. BUT, I do think they were right. I wanted to kick myself for not choosing and African American scene which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I chose Rabbit Hole (my scene) because I was getting super stressed with the time that I just chose the next decent scene I read. Little did I know how difficult and challenging it would be. But I will say that I learned more about myself as an actor by doing this scene.

With that being said, I was not selected to compete in round two. They chose 48 scenes out of the 221. Three of the five scenes from MCC were selected though! Each consisting of some very talented actors and good friends of mine. I am so proud and happy for them! But to be honest, it is very difficult not to be a bit bitter. It's so hard to watch the people around you succeeding while you have to stay back. Especially since I worked so hard and wanted it so bad. It's like practicing and practicing and giving everything you can only to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team walk their way to victory with such ease.

I'm trying to find the lesson that God wants me to learn here. Before I had gotten to the school I prayed that God would make His Will known to me. I said "If you want me to win so I learn that I am good at what I do, let it be so. If you want me to lose so I learn that no matter what to keep trying, then let it be so. If you want me to not win but have small victories to teach me humbleness, that please let it be so." But then again it's not my job to figure out what God is gonna do.

I feel like I wouldn't be so bummed if I actually thought that I was good. I know for sure that I am not a "bad actor" but I have come to give myself the title "good enough."

Dream

I had a dream that there was this man who was kidnapping children and he was trying to kidnap me. Every time I tried to call the police they would put me on hold or when I explained to them what was happening they would hang up on me. Eventually I escaped and I freed the children in captivity. There was also a baby. He was incredibly small. He was like the size of a barbie. He was still covered in blood like he had just been born so I brought him to the sink to wash him. Brent told me not to put him in the sink because he would drown but just to scoop the water on him. I was so nervous. He kept falling asleep while I washed him and I thought he was dying. But he was fine. We brought the baby home and I was taking care of him. I'm not sure if he was growing really fast or if time was going by very fast but only a few hours later he was as big as a 2 month old baby. I kept telling myself that I had to find his real parents. I went to go look online to see if anyone had lost the baby, who's name was Cole Anderson. I looked and looked and couldn't find anyone. Which I was secretly glad because I wanted to keep him. He soon was old enough to hold up his own head and say little phrases. I had found the babies older brother and sister and they had asked to come visit the 2 bedroom apartment we lived in. They came in their uniforms because they attended some type of catholic boarding school. Then they asked if they could stay and live with us. I woke up shortly after so I don't quite remember the rest.

Overwhelming

Jesus help me. Save me. I feel so lost and far away. I feel broken and confused and useless. I want to know you so much more and I want all that you have for me but I am so weak. I am so weak and I don’t know what to do. I have no other option but ti surrender everything to you. Every thing I am. Because I know without you I am nothing. I am wrong. Without you I am incomplete and out of place. I am a misplaced puzzle piece. Without you I forfeit my life and my purpose. I squelch my talents and abilities and I destroy my hope and happiness. So please lead me father. LEAD ME. Too long I have been stumbling in the dark doing all I can to find the right way when all I needed was to ask you to turn on the lights.

I don’t want the fancy words. I don’t want the nice church and the pleasant friends and the college degree. I only want you. I want us. I’m tired. So tired of being like this. Of failing time and time again. Having to turn my face from you in shame because of my sin. The sin that controls my life and keeps me from your plans. I never want to sin again. Never. Not if it means losing you. I want to be with you for the rest of eternity and I want it to be real. I don’t want it to be defined by my religion or my friends or family. I just want it to be us. Us forever. In harmony. Where you can hold me and keep me warm and our love will be so real that I could reach out and touch it with my hands and taste it on my tongue. And it’ll be sweet like honey and crisp like the morning. Father. Daddy. My Daddy. Who looks down on me and is proud. My Daddy who I want to show to the whole world and I could look at them and say, “This is my Daddy. He’s the best Daddy and you could never comprehend how he loves me.”

No politics. No theology. No arguments. No searching for proof. It’s ridiculous. Love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony. Love is the reason and the purpose. And I love you. I love you with so much of my heart that it can barely hold. But it’s not enough. I want to love you more. I want to love you forever and ever and ever and ever. I want to you so big that my heart explodes. This world is crazy! Insane. How did we get like this. How has it come to this point? All we need is you. All I need is you. These cares and worries are done. They are gone. They have disappeared forever. Such silly things I let take over my mind. Boys and school and my car and my hair and my weight. What is it all? What’s the point? It all just seems like a snap. Like a quick breeze. A blink of an eye. I won’t even remember these people or problems a year from now. And if I do, what and extraordinary waste of time.

I wish all of this skin and bone and blood could just disappear. We would all just be souls. People would stop worrying about what they looked like and would be more concerned about what they think like.

So I thought I could be a good artist...

then this happened.