I don't want to be fat anymore.

I hate looking at cute outfits and coming to the realization that 1. There is a one and a million chance that they'll have my size in it, and 2. It always look much cuter on thinner people.

My whole life people say things like "You fiiiiine." "You're not fat!" "Bri! Seriously? You're trying to loose weight AGAIN?!" And to those people, thank you for lying to me to make me feel better. But here is what I have to say to those things: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING THIN. There's nothing wrong with WANTING to be thin.

You wanna know what's wrong with being fat? Health issue. Sloth. Lack of self control. Bad diet. Things never fit. Stairs. Not being able to sit comfortably. Self consciousness. Fat jokes... I could go on.

Do not get me wrong. There are some people who just own being thick, and work it. That is so awesome for them and I wish them the best. I handed out gourmet popcorn samples (candy and chocolate coated) at Costco for about a year. I mostly worked in the privileged parts of town like Scottsdale, Chandler, East Mesa, and Gilbert. I saw so many women come in who were fit and often coming shopping straight from working out. They always took one sample of the healthiest flavor, take one or two pieces and throw the rest away. They would almost always ask how much sugar, fat, calories, carbs, or sodium was in it. I always admired this. Even when taking samples they took careful steps to make sure to control themselves and eat sparingly. Then we had another type of customer. We called them 'grazers.' We weren't allowed to limit how many samples people took so often people would come back for not just one or two, but SEVERAL helpings. Which we really had no problem with but, can I just say, that these people were hardly ever thin.
One lady I remember vividly to be quite heavy heard another thin lady say she didn't want a sample because it was unhealthy and replies 'I'll take some. I love food more than what I look like. I'm fat and I'm happy." Which was perfectly fine for HER.

And to be honest I felt sorry for the grazers. I know what it's like for your taste buds and stomach to betray your health. I still suffer from this same thing. It's almost 3 am and I just got done eating a huge bowl of pasta.... which I ate right after a large slice of pie that I washed down with a can of Coke Zero.

My family has never really been one for a balanced diet. Sometimes I think that kids get a choice between parents who cook really good food, or parents who makes really healthy food. I got the great cook.

As far as exercise goes, I was in sports constantly through elementary school, junior high, high school, and my first year in college. Then I stopped to focus on theatre and I gained weight so fast. And what I kept thinking to myself is that I have a great personality (which I do), I'm pretty, and I'm talented. That should be enough to make up for the fact that I'm fat.. but this is not true. (For me at least). People take thin people more seriously. Thin people get picked for rolls more often. Thin people date more. Thin people are more active and accepted; and I'm sorry if I'm hurting feelings but this is just true. It's statistically proven. And more than that, I witness this stuff.

So for more reasons than wanting to look good, I'm making the decision to reform myself as I grown into adulthood. I'm reforming my diet, my exercise, my room, my school, and my over all life. I'm going to be officially an adult in July and at this point I have nothing to show for it. I'm creating a new blog called: Responsibly Adult and it's going to focus on me trying to get my life in order. It's going to be verrrrrrrrrry slow and gradual because I'm not good at changing. But I hope to get your support and prayer to push me along.

Thanks for reading!

My Thoughts on the Sandusky Scandal

So as far as writing consistently, we all go through lulls. Some people like to make sure and post something a certain amount of times in a decent sized time frame, which really is a great skill, but I feel my skills succeed most when I write when I'm inspired.

Unfortunately, what inspired me to write today, right now, was this whole PENN State controversy. I feel like I may have had a faint notion that there was some kind of ruckus involving college football, but besides that I honestly had no idea that anything had happened at all until just this morning at church.

Our Pastor mentioned something about it during the sermon today, on how this man (Sandusky) had compromised his honor or something. I don't really remember because I told Nate to look it up on his phone so we would know what Terry was talking about. Nate found this website: http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843 and after glancing over it with a nauseous look on his face, he handed over his phone so that I could share in the horror of these mans crimes.

They quoted Sandusky in 1998 paragraph, something that he had said to one of the little boys and something about that phrase has been singed into my brain. I'm so upset I almost feel numb. Something about it was so disturbing. Like a really bad nightmare. Even now, the phrase is playing over and over in my head and I... I feel something towards that man, but not hatred. Maybe something similar, but more resembling.. I guess disgust would be the best word. But it's more than that. Slimey, corroded, dirty, diseased, sinister.

As an audience member to the continuous retelling of this awful story, one is asked: What do you think should happen to him? I don't have a personal answer to this question. I guess my best response would be "Whatever the court deems necessary." It's obvious that as an infuriated group of Americans our minds jump straight to cruelty of some sort. Which is definitely reasonable. My mom suggested castration, and even others have gone as far as the death penalty. Which both, as extreme as they are, merit the thought of consideration due to the rigorousness of the charges. I mean, these boys are going to have to deal with this for as long as they live. God knows what sorts of psychological damage could stem from these acts. I almost feel like murdering the kids would have not been as bad as what Sandusky.

Then I started to compared the two. Sexual Abuse and Murder. So many people feel that the latter should be a price to pay for the former. Which would put the two things on the same level. The two worst things you could do to a person is kill them and rape them... it's awful.

My next thought was that God sees all sin as the same. There is no sin greater or lesser than the other. Which, from that thought, sprouted two ideas. One very beautiful, and one quite upsetting. The first one being: God, in his all powerful majesty and wisdom, love myself and Sandusky the exact same. He could never love me more than he loves him. To God, that man is beautiful. But me? Equally beautiful.

And the less excited idea being: I AM on the same level of Sandusky. My sin is just as disgusting and wicked as this mans... and if you think about it, it really puts things in perspective.

Sometimes I don't even try to stop sinning. In fact, while I'm doing it I get this feel of recognition of my actions, and then carry on like I didn't even care. Sometimes I regret it later, sometimes I don't. But I'm not being arrested and my bail is not $100,000. Of course, our sins are still different. My sin isn't immediately hurting anyone and I don't think it puts anyone danger.

... Thinking about it is upsetting and uplifting at the same time. I wrote this blog in hopes to inspire my readers to view their sin a different way and perhaps give them the right motivation to kick-start their desire to get rid of or control their sin.

But I no longer wish to think about this... my brain is over loaded. Maybe I'll finish my thoughts on the topic in  another later blog, but I think I got the important parts down.

Acting

So this blog is mostly about my walk with Christ. I write when I'm overwhelmed with joy, love, yearning, revelation, doubt or grief. But as I was sitting here watching the new show New Girl, I had the huge craving to write about another passion of mine: Acting.

I doubt my acting abilities quite often, especially after I don't get cast in a show. But this past Friday was our first elementary school tour of my show Wiley and the Hairyman. As I was in front of the audience acting with my fellow cast member, Sean, I felt this sensation that ran through my whole body; and I thought to myself this is what I was meant to do. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

There are so many things in this world that I just LOVE. Like: playing the cello, singing, writing, worshiping, boyfriends, and driving. But there is nothing in this world that gives me such an emotional high like acting. Even as I sit in my kitchen writing this blog that no one will read (aside from my mom and handful of theatre friends that saw 'Acting' in the title), and I'm getting excited just thinking about the amazing feeling that being on stage gives me. I love being in front of an audience, but even just taking an acting class and rehearsing with my partner makes me feel fantastic.

I'm not entirely sure if this is just a feeling that everyone has because, deep down, most everyone would like to be an actor. Or if God has just ignited this vehemence in me, and plans on rearing me into a fine actor someday... I don't know. But I do know that when I'm acting, I'm the happiest my soul is capable of experiencing. I'm so happy to be where I am right now. I'm at Mesa Community College with some of the best actors and working for some of the most brilliant minds the theatre business has to offer.

One day I aspire to write plays that will change lives and redefine Christian entertainment. I aspire to sing and to act in these relevant stories, and bring people to Christ through my art.

Chosen

"Oh what a wonderful God we have! How great are His riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and methods! For who can know what the Lord is thinking? Who knows enough to be hi counselor? And who can ever give him so much that he would have to pay it back? For everything comes from Him; everything exists by his power and is intended for His Glory. To Him be glory evermore. Amen"
-Romans 11:33-36

So I'm officially twenty years old. Time sure flies when you're having fun. I'm still trying to figure out Gods master plan, when I should just sit and listen.

I have a two questions that I'm going to ask. Feel free to answer them how you will, or you can just troll and leave some comments, or not comment at all. But just contemplate your answer. I asked this to a few friends and school and didn't get too much of a response.

Do you ever look around you at your surroundings and the people in it and just think I'm a freaking genius? I don't mean this in a funny or cocky way at all. Do you ever look around you and realize that one day you're going to be so far away from here and people are going to hold your opinion to a high standard?

I know it sounds a bit silly but I will be just sitting there in my psychology class when all of a sudden this sensations of anxiousness and excitement bubble up inside me and I feel like if I just had a canvas I could paint you the most beautiful picture. Peoples voices will start to blend into the air conditioning and I will be lost in this thought of greatness.

I wonder if Kind David or Paul ever felt like this?

My next questions sort of ties into the last:
Do you ever feel that God is taking extra care to ensure your specific future? That he is constantly leading your away from catastrophe and protecting you from bad people and bad situations? I feel like he almost favors me. I was once told that God sometimes favors people. Not that he loves any person any more or less than the last, but that some people are in his favor. And there's nothing you can do to get in or out of it. For years I felt like I was an average person outside of Gods favor due to my sin and issues. That he could never favor a beat up and broken girl like myself. But now I feel completely different.

It wasn't easy growing up as an over weight, 6 foot tall, mixed girl with crazy hair. Every girls was small and white with beautiful wavy or straight hair. And I had rolls, big feet, and braces. My heart was constantly broken by crushes ans hateful girls. I would stay in my room and sulk and cry and never did anything to help myself except pray. Until one day I decided to fight. I had to fight and fight these boys and emotions until nearly a year went by that I had reached the happy, gorgeous me that God was waiting to show the world.

Now that I have hit this realization and discovered my passion, God has been blessing me left and right. Nothing in this whole world feels as good as not only doing what you love, but doing what you love for God.

I can almost physically feel his hand on my heart, guiding me away darkness.

I'm sure you've gotten bored with all of my thoughts and feelings by now. But I just needed to get my heart out in words. It's still hard for me to believe that I have been blessed with such a wonderful life filled to the brim with the best people this world has to offer.

As a Teenager I'm just FULL of Wisdom

I've realized that this has gone from a blog where I can spill out my thoughts to a place where I can publicly complain without people actually knowing what exactly I'm talking about..

People are constantly looking for these programs and systems and guides to better their lives. To get money, to loose weight, to make friends, to become a better person,

All these website we can join and we constantly complain to our friends and families about how hard we have it. And I say "we" because I partake in it. I can't tell you how long I've been trying to lose weight. Since nearly junior high I've been going on diets. My weight has been more up-and-down in these past few years, than pregnant women go through.

But the thing I hate most is that we know how to get what we want. We know the answer. You want to make money? Stop blowing it all on foolish stuff and work harder. You want to make friends? Be nicer and join a club. You want to loose weight? Stop eating the greasy fatty things and exercise more.

I know the first thing you want to do is complain about how your situation is different and special and unique. That the reason you can't make friends is because you're not outgoing and you're not funny. BULL CRAP. You think only outgoing and funny people make friends?? Outgoing and funny people do make loads of friends but half of them are strictly ONLY their friend because they are outgoing and funny. But when it comes to needing someone who will stay when life gets rough, and when the 'outgoing and funny' is gone for a moment and is covered with sadness and hurt, and they're no longer in an entertaining mood, people flee... (That was a huge run on sentence and I apologize).

When I'm being funny and jumping around and cracking jokes, people love to stand around and laugh. But the ONE time I say that I'm having a bad day people pat me on my back, say their sorry, and leave. My text messages aren't answered and everyone's busy. So cherish the relationships that you have and stop trying to find the next best thing.

And lastly, the best advice I could ever give is: Take advice. When you're down the thing you're most prone to do is want to be down. People will try to lift you up and all you do is shoot down their advice. Why do we do this? God knows.. but we do it. It's almost like we like like being sad or something.

And don't get angry when someone is trying to help you. When you know someone is making sense, stop trying to turn it back on them like they're the ones with the problem. If you get mad about it, then there is probably a hint of truth in what their saying.

We Don't Know How to Wait

I really do try to do the whole goody good Christian thing, but it's soooo hard.

Somedays I hardly even try because it seems impossible to do the things I know I should be doing. I'm constantly thinking about what Paul wrote in Romans 7:14-17

"The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don't understand myelse at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law id good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do evil thing."


And then he continues in verse 21:


"It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to to do what is right, I inevitable do what is wrong."


I think about this so much because I feel like this is my life. I looking into the face of a situation and I know exactly what I should do, and I even want to do. I try to get myself to do it, but in the end I am consumed by the thought of how I feel right now...


I think that's the problem with this world right now. We are so devoted to feeling good right now. Waiting for anything is often seen as silly and ridiculous. Waiting to date until your older, waiting until your 21 to drink, waiting until you married to have sex, waiting at a red light instead of speeding through a yellow one, holding back on the treats until a special occasion, waiting until you have enough money to buy something expensive..


The repercussions to all of these things are negative and can sometimes ruin your life. But we just CAN'T WAIT... and in no way am I condemning people. I do these exact same things. The media and my colleagues have brain washed me into just accepting social norm. I can hardly say brain washed because I gave in so easily.

When turning to a life a Christ, we're asked to do things we deep down know we should not do. But we do it until it doesn't seem wrong anymore. Until it's so easy to do that you would it continually without having to be convinced in the slightest.

I don't even know why I'm writing this blog. Am I complaining, condemning, blaming,  venting.. I guess I'm just upset with myself. For some reason I though following Christ would give you some special powers to let you do whatever you want. All it does is give you a conscience and tools to being Christ.. I guess I'm just not utilizing my tools very well.

Benefit Show Deets

Okay, our theme is: Love Thy Neighbor.



Start to think of what you would like to do! Brain Storm, research, pray, meditate, ask for advice. Whatever you need to come up with something brilliant,creative, and original.



1.PLEASE contact me with your ideas BEFORE you start working on it. I wouldn't want to have to shoot it down when you already half way through it.
    -The reason I'm doing this is because I want the show to fit together like a puzzle and I want people to be able to work with other artists.
2. This does NOT have to be related to any type of faith or religion. If you decide you want to do that: peachy.
3. PG13 Rating! (I want to attract a variety of audiences and I don't want to limit it to age)
4. I am going to have a meeting with all the artists in one place in the next two weeks. So please email or facebook me your availability (justcallmebri@hotmail.com)
5. We still need more artists, so if you know anyone, feel free to give them my cell, my email, and/or send them the event invite on facebook.

Lastly, I'm starting the process of booking a venue. If you know of a good place, let me know. (Preferably one with a decent size lobby because that is where I would like to display the practical arts)

Love you guys! I can't thank you enough for being part of this :

PS, If you need help figuring out what to do or want to some friendly advice from a fellow artist, you can communicate with me!

Why Christians Appear to Be Such D-bags

Imagine you have a younger son/daughter. And you love them. And their beautiful. But they are naive. At a young age of 3 there is so much they don't know. Not due to ignorance, just lack of experience. As you're cooking you look over and smirk out of love as you watch your child teeter across the kitchen. You walk over to get some veggies out of the fridge and turn around to see your gorgeous baby reaching for the fiery red stove you have left on. You react in an instant by yelling across the kitchen: "NO!". You try to reach towards them but you look down to see your feet are stuck to the floor. You continue to yell and scream, "No! Don't! Please!" But there's nothing you can do but stand and watch them burn themselves and cry out in pain.

Now imagine the feeling this gives you. When Christians have a person in their lives who is not saved, this is how they feel. Please, resist the urge to be annoyed and/or judge. I want you to understand WHY we do what we do.

With Christians, it's not about what we personally feel. It's not about what's politically correct or not offending people. We see things as either Truth, or not. A truth we believe in is that there is a Heaven and there is a Hell. There is God and angels, and there is an Enemy and demons.

Some Christians may sugar coat it and leave it open ended but the bottom line is, the time we have on this earth is life or death. People get so offended when a Christian offers prayer to them or relentlessly invites them to church or when they try to tell them about Jesus. But if you understood their heart behind it, you would be flattered. We're not trying to increase the count of Christians. That's not our goal. Our goal is to help save people.

You may get annoyed and stop liking us, but we're willing to accept those consequences if it means you get to go to Heaven.

That's the big idea. But even if you take the Heaven/Hell deal out, there are still so many reasons to tell you about Jesus. The healing that He brings. The motivation the He grows in you. You know when you love something so much that you just want to squeal and jump up and down? That's how it is EVERY WEEK at church when you choose to worship Him.

My favorite thing about Christ, is that he makes you more of yourself than you could ever do on your own. When you give everything over to Him he gives it back ten-fold. He nurtures your gifts and talents and allows you to use them in unique ways that you love...

I'm getting a little mushy.

*I didn't write this to make Christians seem like awesome people, and I didn't write this in an attempt to covert anyone. I wrote it in hopes that you might get a glimpse of our honest hearts behind our words and actions.

So please don't be so angry when a person get's in your face about The Gospels (The good news) or Jesus, because underneath all the obnoxious tshirts and flyers, they do love you.

 (I can't possibly speak for every Christian, but these thoughts are biblical) 

Vulnerable

I'm taking a break from the faith based posts... I thought I would say something about myself for once.

The few people who read my blog I'm sure have met me and have noticed a few things about me that you've always wondered about, but were too shy to ask. Well that is OKAY because I am going to do the asking and answering for you ;)

First off, one of the first things you notice when you meet me, are the white patches over my eye and on my calves. This is a a pretty common skin condition called 'vidaligo'. They're not scars, they're not painful, and it's not contagious ;) Pretty much, those little areas on my skin can't hold pigment. And any of the hair that grows on the areas grow completley white! I think it's pretty neat!

When I was younger I had some a hard time with it. Kids in school made fun of me and I remember crying in my room at night asking God why, out of all the people in this world, why he had chosen me to have this. I wanted so much for it to be gone. I remember my mom had bought me this cover-up for it. One day I decided to use it and I thought you had to put it on your entire face. I came out of my room and my family laughed at me because I looked incredibly orange... so that didn't work out. Haha. But now that I'm older I honestly appreciate the individuality it brings me. The photographer photoshopped it out of many of my senior pictures and I was actually kind of mad. So now I'm grateful for the little spots that are about a fourth of the size they used to be. (It also moves around, grows, and shrinks. Weird huh?)

Another thing I'm sure people notice about me are my four, front, bottom teeth. This one I'm a tad bit more sensitive about. They are brownish/yellowish and have been since they grew in when I was about 7. The best explanation the doctors can come up with was that the growth my teeth were affected about a really awful fever I had when I was young. The enamel around those 4 teeth is basically nonexistent. So not only has it left me with this hideous smile, but the teeth are extremely sensitive to temperature. I cried when I got my braces on, not because of the tightening, but because the air they were blowing on my teeth was so cold.

The teeth thing is something I still struggle with. It's so upsetting that I take such good care of my teeth but I stil have these gross things. And insurance doesn't cover it. Just the other week my dentist told me that she could fix it and the first thing I thought was "Wow. I'm finally going to be normal."

But it was false hope. It's going to be a thousand bucks a tooth to get some caps over these suckers.... but oh well.

Lastly, for my closer friends, you might have noticed my fear of close proximity. It's something I struggle with constantly. There have been times where I could over come this for the sake of a scene or just because I trust a person enough. I don't like it when people (mainly dudes) put their face close to mine. I don't like peoples bodies touching mine, and I am freakishly ticklish. This is because I was fighting with my brother a few years ago and somehow he had gotten me pinned down. He had all his weight on me and I couldn't move at all and it was difficult to breath. It was at this moment that I realized that I wasn't invincible and there are people who, if they wanted to, could hold me down and have me at their mercy. That and a combination of creepy old dudes stalking me have made it easy to be afraid of people.

But no worries. I don't have any suppressed memeries that torment me daily and string me out. Hey.. we all have out tiny flaws, and these just happen to be mine.

Our Purpose

(Non-believers can direct their attention to the last paragraph to avoid being offended)

I was washing the dishes the other day. I was in this weird trance when I looked down and wondered what the heck I was doing. Dishes. Why am I washing dishes? So we can put food on it, eat it, and then I can wash the same dish over again?

I looked down at my outfit and thought about how I had changed 3 times this morning only to end up with my normal homemade tshirt and my short shorts.

What was I doing? What am I doing now? The warm water ran over my hands all and I could think was, what is the point? This is what I came up with:

We were made for God. Bottom line. Our main purpose. We were specifically designed to be in a relationship with Him... specifically. Without that relationship everything else is quite pointless. Life is reflected on self. "How can I make myself happy today? What is going to make me feel happy in the future? What makes me feel good?" Me me me me. I think even in the situation where someone is helping people in an awesome way can be turned into selfishness when done just so you can have the satisfaction of having done something good. Do you think too many people would continue to help a person if that person didn't appreciate them?

We are constantly in search of stuff and things that will give us purpose. And I know exactly what you're thinking as you read this: Easy target. Of course we shouldn't always be wanting more and more nice things. I've heard this before in soooo many stories where the person ends up rich and miserable. We obviously know the story, but do we see the truth in it? We look for stuff like a diploma, a car with air conditioning,  or maybe even a girlfriend or boyfriend to make us happy. Let me tell you, if you can't be happy right now in the exact situation you're in, then you can't be happy. But if you're homeless and living on the streets and can be happy, you can be happy in any situation. Now I'm not saying you should be able party and dance around right after your dad died. There will be difficult moments on your life. I mean in general. If you're in the state of mind of "If I could JUST get this/him/her/those/that, I'd be happy," you're in for some disappointment. Because things and people fade away. Just like the wind they are here one second and gone the next.

Peoples minds change. Their heart changes. One day they want to see you and the next they want to move on.

So our purpose is to make God happy. I'm not saying that we need to change our purpose to that. I'm not saying that the purpose is different from person to person. It IS out purpose. We all might have a different way of doing it or avoiding it, but it's still our purpose.

So if you're out of sync with this purpose, life may get a little muddy. A little screwy. Things might not make sense. You search for the wrong things and when you find them they never live up to your standards. They never fix things. Things start to seem glum.

The Enemy's job is to make sure you never know this purpose. To hide it's significance. To make other things more important.

My advice? Don't let him.

*Stop stressing. Stop arguing. It's useless. Start loving. Because love is what binds us together in perfect harmony. Even for a non-believer, how can this be bad advice?

Haha, such wise advice from a 19 year old girl right?

Brief Testimony/A Question for You

I'm on of those people who check the box that says "I don't remember when I became a Christian" as opposed to writing a specific date or year.

(NOTE: if you don't want to read my story/testimony, you can just skip down to the last two paragraphs)

I remember going to church in a small church in a plaza as a kid and making fun of the older ladies who would speak in tongues. I would hate it when they made me pray by myself. It honestly felt like 30 minutes that they'd make us do it even though it was probably somewhere around 8. I remember for the first 30 seconds honestly asking God for things like "make my moms foot stop hurting" and "for me to get awesome stuff for Christmas." But after those 30 seconds I would run out of stuff to say and be jealous of the people around me who could think of more stuff to say, and then I would just get bored.

I remember once getting in trouble and my dad making me sit in the corner by his bed while he napped. He mentioned something about the devil being bad or to act more like Jesus before putting me in time out. And just as he was dozing off I muttered to myself "I love the Devil" just to spite him, not really knowing the seriousness of what I had said. He rolled over and sternly told me to never say that again, and then went back to sleep. At the age of 7 I can honestly say that I had felt terrible about what I had said.

Moving on. I remember at age 9, my family and I had went to the church service called X-treme aimed to a younger crowd. I remember they had poets, loud music, short skits, and a whole lot of black people. I had watched a very deep skit about how people had turned their back on Jesus and he STILL died for them. This made me so emotional that when they asked if there was anyone who wanted to give their life to Christ that night, my hand was the first up. I felt truly emotional.

We went the next week and at the end they asked the same question and again my hand shot in the air. My mom leaned over to me and told me that I couldn't give my life over to Christ every week. I was almost offended by it. But I did as I was told.

I remember growing older and going to Jr. High. I went to church once in a while because there was this boy I liked at church. I remember having this really awful dream where I was waiting in this really long line that lead down to this tunnel thing, the kind you might see on the free way. Then I looked over far away and saw another line that lead to this giant, futuristic-looking elevator. As I neared the front of the line I realized that I was in line for Hell and the other line was an elevator to Heaven. I asked the lady checking us in why I was going to Hell. After checking her clip-board she replied "Brianna Taft? It says here that you're going to Hell because the only reason you went to church was to see a boy. Please come forward." After waking up I felt so convicted that I made an honest commitment to seek a relationship with Him.

I fell into self hatred and, after leaving my dad, life was so difficult. Jr High was so awkward because I was just coming out of the tomboy phase and kids at school were so horrible.

It wasn't until the summer after 9th grade that I decided it was time to make a stand in my faith. I started attending church regularly and made efforts to deal with my issues, without the motivation of my family. I found rides to and from church on my own, even if that meant waling or taking the bus. Of course I have a loving God-fearing family but, at that point in time, church wasn't really a priority to them.

At this point in my life, I can say that I'm so head over heels for God that I'm pretty much unstoppable. I feel solid in my faith. There is this bible verse: Psalm 22:9-10  "Yet you brought me safely from my mother's womb and led me to trust you when I was a nursing infant. I was thrust upon you at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born." (NLT)


I feel like this verse is really about me. I often tell people that I've been blessed with faith. People always ask me for evidence of God and why I believe and to explain how I came to be a Christian. They try to get me to understand why I'm wrong. But the truth is, I can't. Honest truth. I can't tell you why I believe it. I just do. I always have. I've never believed that there wasn't a God. Even as a young child. Some people believed as children just as they did Santa and the tooth fairy but once they got older they just stopped. Me? I never did. I've tried living days without God. A 'trial run' if you will, and I couldn't get away from the fact that I was just pretending the believe something I didn't. Like if you were to walk around saying the sky wasn't really blue because that's what everyone else believed. But deep down you couldn't really dismiss the fact that the sky really was blue.


Jesus just makes sense to me.


I look at people who have recently found their faith within the last few years. Once a devout Jew, Atheist, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, going through the motions. And now taking part in a love relationship with Jesus. And I'm jealous!! How great it must feel to experience the love of Christ for the first time! To feel clean and loved for the first time. I feel like I've been dating this guy since I was 9, and I'm just watching other people starting their first relationship as adults, and not remembering that magic. Of course it's been amazing. I've been able to learn so much because of it. I feel like I have knowledge to share with my students and church and wisdom from a girl who has been in their shoes.


But the reason I've shared my story and have written this note is because I would like to ask all of the people who have not been a Christian they're whole life, to explain to me what it's like to give your life to Him for the first time. What was that moment like? What did the week have to follow? What did your friends think? Were their major life changes? Do you think your the same person? How did it happen? You don't have to answer all of the questions but I'm dangerously curious. Thanks for reading!

Doubt

Sometimes I just get so confused about everything. I see life down here on earth and my mind doesn't even know where to start. Love. Hate. Murder. Cartoons. Show curtains. Friends. Sin. Shame. Joy. Theme parks. Costco. Yellow.

Life is just FULL of things. So full that every single person learns something new every day until they die... until they die. Pass away. Leave the earth. To go where?

But then God shows me the beauty to every thing. The precision. The order. Everything is a friggin machine. Cogs that just cause other cogs to spin. I study for a test, I pass. I don't change my oil, my car makes horrid sounds.

Every single time The Enemy starts to whisper lies into my mind or causes me to stumble upon a blog or video stating that everything I believe is a lie or just stupid, I get scared. Like, what if I HAVE wasted all of this time following something completely made up. What if I really don't go to heaven when I die, and this is it? This is all that life has to offer, just the few short years I spend on earth and then I'm nothing. I'm gone. I may as well have not existed at all in the end.

Then God shows me heaven. Heaven shines through the eyes of my beautiful little sister lifting her hands in praise and worship. Heaven shines in the once broken but healed hearts of the young girls Radial who trust me and Him enough to spill out their hurt and pain all over the floor in front of me and at His feet to be put on the cross and crucified. Heaven shines in the love I get from people who took the time to invest in me and care about me. The people who actually want to be around me and talk to me and text me and invite me places and ask about my day and really, honestly, truly want to know and are ready to hear me when I say "Gosh, things are hard." I see Heaven in people who give seconds chances. And third and fourth and fifth chances.

I see Heaven in the love and kindness and strength in the face of a young man battling cancer. Of a single mother raising two amazing kids to be warriors for Jesus. Through the music of a violin at a recital. In excitement of a best friend passionate about musicals and helping others.

And when I see this I understand. I still have questions and a few things still confuse me but then I remember that I have a God who made yawing, the deep sea, and all the planets.. things that even the smartest minds can't explain..

So if you ever doubt, as God to show you Himself and Heaven and he'll never fail.

Creationism.. (how's that a title for ya?!)

I like to think about our world. How.. wonderfully everything is made like a puzzle piece. Have you ever really thought about it? How perfectly things work out. It always puzzles me that people don't think that we were created. I watch speeches and read articles written by highly educated people; grown people, who say the world came from the "Big Bang" or who aren't really interested where it came from but feel we weren't created.

Think about it..
Why do we sleep with the night? How do babies know to laugh when they're happy? How do our bodies fit together so well, whether it comes to making love or just holding hands? Our eyes constantly blink to keep our eyes wet. Why are our eyes even wet?!

How did we create not one, but hundreds of languages to communicate with?

Have you ever taken a science class? Do you understand how incredibly complicated a cell is? If one thing were to go wrong or be even slightly different, our whole body would be dysfunctional.

How do animals have instinct enough to stay together? Or even instinct at all? What is it about our insides that give humans discretion?

We get fruit from trees and vegetables from the ground! Made especially for eating! It's beautiful! Why do we dance when we hear music? And sing when we're happy?

And what I love about people is how different we are! I understand that that sounds cheesy and it's over used but.. I was helping a friend on a piece of music he was working on. He had trouble getting the pitch right, but I hear it for the first time and can sing along with it almost perfectly as the song continues. There is something about me that makes me capable to hear a difference that he doesn't have. BUT he is far better than me at running. And not just because I'm overweight. He can run for days and no matter how hard I try and assert myself I could never be like him.

Girls are soft and curvy where men are strong and firm. Our bodies know the best way to keep us alive and healthy in every situation.

We have the capability to love! Love.. man. Love is crazy. Makes you do crazy things. Honestly. Remember that boy/girl from grade school that you had your first crush on? How giddy and electric they made you feel? Or how you feel when you look into the face of son or daughter. Maybe a little brother or sister. A cousin. A young child in your life, and you look into their young, innocent, soft faces. And you think to yourself "You are the most beautiful boy/girl in the entire world." And you just want life to be perfect for them. And for them to have everything they ever wanted. When they say their first words, ride a bike for the first time, first day of school, how their face lights up when you tell them they're going to Disneyland.

Where did this love come from if we weren't created? People argue that we evolved from other animals taking the parts we need and changing so we can survive more efficiently. What then, is the point of love? If you think about it, it's more dangerous than useful.

I'm feeling great tonight.

My mom just left for the hospital. I didn't think it was really a big deal until I faced the reality of it.
Ron left and my brothers not here. I'm here in the house all by myself.

It's so hard to no cry.
I love her so much. I try not to assume the worst.
I  might be over reacting but I want her to see me get married. I want her to spoil her grandkids with love and toys. I want her to see me graduate college because she didn't get to.

I wish someone was here with me.
Please pray for her. Her name is Mindy and she's the greatest mommy ever.

New Semester; New Beginning

I'm sure the last thing you would like to be doing is reading a list of my hectic life for the next semester, but... well I guess don't read this then. (As if some one reads my blog anyway) :P

I start Faith Works Bible College today! I wish I was there now, I'm SO excited.

I'm also starting school again at MCC:
-Acting 2
-Racial and Ethnic Minorities
-Spanish 1
-Intro to Theatre

All I really need now is an online math class!

THEN, on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights I have Radial youth group. Which is always the highlight of my week!

THEN, on Sunday nights I will be going to Vertigo, the young adult service.

I will still be going to Scripts on Strikes rehearsal where I will be attending as an Improver in Training. (Or a IT)

I will still be going to Camber, the young adult service for Cornerstone, on Thursday nights when I'm not working.

THEN, I'm doing a weekly acting thing for Grace Kids where I get my script on Sunday, rehearse on Wednesday, and perform on Saturday night. I also help with worship for the Grace Kids and Radial.

I will still be working Thursday and Fridays at Popcornopolis! handing out popcorn samples at various Costco's.

And lastly, I'm  still hoping to have a social life. To be honest, it's not going to be as difficult as it sounds but it's still going to be difficult. I'm going through a phase in my life where God is trying to teach me obedience and self-discipline and it's been probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I met a guy my age the other day who was holding a sign next to a free way exit, the other day. He was clean, handsome, and a very nice guy who had lost his job and apartment and was just looking for work and collecting money to pay for a motel every night. My heart hurt so much for him. I know there are people in way worse situations but this particular situation really hit home for me.

I'm going to be grateful for every opportunity to learn and try the hardest I can to be a good student. And to take advantage of these situations to show the love and passion of God to hurting onlookers. I have such a great feeling in my stomach about Gods plans.

It's Gods turn to take over my life and for me to put down the planner and break free of the stress.

Don't Be Sad

All around me people are so... broken. They hurt so much that I hurt too. I don't understand really. People who are gorgeous, intelligent, funny, charismatic.

It's like they invent things to hate about themselves.

They put themselves on this skyscraper for the world to see and marvel at, but never touch. And the one time they're brave enough to allow someone to be up close, they get hurt and climb up even high away from onlookers.

I try and tell them, "No! You're beautiful! You're hilarious! You're so fun to be around! You're amazing and the Lord loves you so much!" but it never seems to do the trick.

It's upsetting.

Often I feel as though I am sitting in a chair in a windowless room with no doors. Calm. Happy. But surrounded by people who are bruised or dramatic or lonely or angry or bitter or cold. I try to get up from my chair to go to them but I'm tied down. I scream at them "Please! Listen! Stop telling yourselves these lies!" But they're so caught up in the pain that they almost ignore the easily accessible joy.

They're too afraid to take a step away from their safe place to reach for happiness.

My actions and words always seem to hardly scrape the surface but I hope my prayers dig deep.