Meditation/Journaling Thoughts 8/10/15

Lord, who am I? You live in me. So what does that make me? Where do you end and I begin? Am I everything bad and evil, and you everything that's good? Am I just a personality inside a flesh case of failure? Data that dictates my tendencies?

*****

Lord I need you so much. I want so badly to live a life that honors you. I really wish you were a human being, sitting next to me- to teach me and to guide me. But for now the Bible shall be my friend. Your unchanging word.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

*****

The gift of wisdom is a strange thing. I feel like I have such easy access in understanding things- I hear the Lords voice often and in detail. I know when to apply certain verses and I understand and figure out things, long before they're taught to me, or I even have a name for them.

However, wisdom doesn't come with discipline or self control.  I know exactly what I should do, when I should do it,  how often to do it, and who I should do it with- but I seldom ever do it correctly. Even thought I know. I enjoy the gift of wisdom, and I value it deeply, but I almost wish I had the gift of self control... But I suppose if I had both, I'd have very little reason to rely on God.

*****

Discovering Gifts! *squee*

Waking up today with joy in my spirit and wonder in my eyes. This week on the road and away from my roomies (and AZ and J-Fall) has stung a little but Jesus revealed something to me during intercession that I believe has changed my life.

Since getting to Minnesota, different members of my church family at RHVC have mentioned my praying. "Have you heard her pray??" "Wow that was a great prayer" and most recently "gift of prayer" has been said.

Well during an afternoon prayer between classes the other day I brought this up with God. "God, people think I have the gift of prayer. Well I want to pray into this. Teach me and train me. Help me to walk in my full capacity as a prayer warrior..." At this point I had misplaced two very important and large checks back home and I started praying for those: That God would give me peace that He takes care of me. Immediately after praying I decided just to check my backpack for it again really quickly (despite the fact that I had ravaged all the bags and folders in my room looking for them the day before). It was more out of a final act of desperation because I knew they weren't there. I had looked and re-looked several times.

I opened the middle pocket of my back pack and saw some papers at the bottom.

I hesitated.




No.




I slowly reached down and pulled the papers out and in my hand I was holding my checks.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I through them down on my bed and stepped back.

"No. No. No! I don't deserve this. No! God you're so good. You're so good to me, Jesus. I don't deserve this."

I can't say what happened for sure, but those checks were almost certainly NOT in my backpack upon arriving to Super 8 in Warroad, Minnesota. I don't think I have witnessed a miracle yet but this may have been my first.

God spoke more to me.

"Brianna, when you pray I hear and answer you. You speak my words."

God started telling me that I have been given the gift of prayer which is a many-fold gift.

That not only does this mean I have the gift to sound poetic and stir passion in the hearts of those hearing my prayers but that prayer in an umbrella gift that includes many!

If God hears and answers my prayers, and I speak His words then that includes the gift of healing, of prophesy, words of knowledge, wisdom, etc. All through my ability to ask.

*  *  *

Yesterday something awful happened. If you know me well, you'll know just how awful it was.

I lost my wallet.

I was under the impression that this had been only the second time that I have lost my wallet during an overly compromising situation. However, while simultaneously whining to Justin on the phone about my irresponsibility, and wrecking havoc on our Chevrolet Cobalt in search for my Vera Bradley wallet, Justin conveniently reminded me that this was the FOURTH time this has happened since he's known me.

I tried contacting the Senior Center that we had done our programming at and they could not find it. I suspected that the teacher in charge of the school we were working for had grabbed it, but they had no way of contacting us, nor us them (outside of business numbers).

It was already passed sun-down and we had already driven about an hour and 45 mins back to our hotel. My wallet had my debit cards, drivers license, hotel key, and my home keys. I could have driven to get it the next day but it would add nearly 4 hours to our already 6 hour drive back home. (Which I was willing to suffer but I hated to make my partner, Nathan, suffer for my mistakes.)

We got back to our hotel and I felt a little hopeless and annoyed with myself. Justin reminded me that I needed to be more careful and responsible with my things.

He was right. (As usual)

But then I remembered what God had told me only a few nights pervious: "Brianna, when you pray I hear and answer you."

So I thought I would test this. I knelt down beside my bed and bowed my head. I asked for the same thing I had asked before regarding the checks: peace and faith that he takes care of me. I took time to meditate on and celebrate that He WILL answer my prayers.

Minutes later I receive a call from our contact and SHE HAS MY WALLET! She agreed to meet me at the senior center and return my wallet safely to my hands.

Praise God! Discovering this new gift is very eye opening and has opened my eyes to all the times he has taken care of me (and those around me) in the past. (Ask my mother and Williams who can some times be slightly annoyed how things always work out for me haha).

I'm looking forward to all the testimonies this discovery will bring. Remember that your prayers are heard AND answered. Please say a quick prayer for me and what this will bring me in this next season!

xoxoxo

Your Goal: Make an Idiot of Yourself

Some of you may or may not know this but I actually offer private acting lessons. I have only had two students but I've had to take a break from the lessons since moving to Minneapolis.

Anyways!
I was coaching a young girl (14) and was teaching her the importance of bold choices. Now there isn't really an exact definition for bold choices, but if you mention it to any actor who knows his salt, he'll know exactly what you mean. The way I define it to my kiddies is this: an interesting and risky choice in a scene that may or may not be successful. I believe that anyone can be a great actor if they hone the skill of making bold choices. Now I didn't read that anywhere, this is based on my own discovery.

So I was taking my young pupil through a monologue and challenging her to make bold choices. I told her the goal for the next run-through was to make herself look like an idiot. All I wanted was for her to do her monologue and make a fool of herself.

This is difficult, my friends! ESPECIALLY if you were raised in middle-class white America. We are all taught that looking like a fool is unacceptable- that we have to constantly keep our cool and never put ourselves in a situation that might lead to embarrassment or judgment. 

I told my student that this is my mantra for each audition I go to. "I'm going to go in there and my goal is to make a fool of myself. To find places to take risks." That is because those are the type of people that get noticed and more importantly hired. 

I had to start doing this because I have a mild case of social anxiety. I some times have hard times walking into classrooms or parties because I fear that I am going to be late, or early, or overdressed, or underdressed, or in the wrong place, or I wasn't actually invited- all these thoughts run through my head. I had to teach myself that there is nothing wrong with being embarrassed or uncomfortable or wrong about something.

I was reminded of this thought while doing some reading this morning. I'm currently making my way through several books (some include Spirituality and You, The Devil in the White City, Radical Faith, The Screwtape Letters, and What's So Great About Christianity. . . I have a horrible habit of reading several books at once, taking my 6 times as long to read each book.) But the book I was reading this morning is When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson who is the pastor over at Bethel and is known for his work with the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry

(Too many links!) Anyways, in my readings I have found Bill giving several examples of how people have stepped out in faith and saw miraculous things happen. My favorite story is of a man ordering food in a fast-food restaurant and starts ministering not to the people taking his order, but to people in their car who are waiting in the drive thru window!

He goes on to talk about moving to the realm beyond reason to follow Gods voice:

“In New Testament terms, being a people focused on His presence means that we are willing to live beyond reason. Not impulsively or foolishly, for these are poor imitations for real faith. The realm beyond reason is the world of obedience to God. Obedience is the expression of faith, and faith is our claim ticket to the God realm.”

This was very profound for me.  Many of my prayers recently have been for God to grow my faith and give me strength to step out in boldness. I want to praise God in church the way I praise him in my living room when my roommates are out of town. I want to lay hands and pray for my coworkers when they have a headache. I want to call out to a stranger and speak His truth to them. I want to see people healed and freed. But my anxiety holds my flesh back from the desires of my spirit.

And I’m reminded of my young student. She had absolutely nothing to fear but her own ego. I stood in a room alone with her and asked her to step out of her comfort zone- this freedom would lead her to roles and talent currently appearing out of her reach . . . but she had to attempt to function in this state of discomfort.

As you can imagine I correlated this to the things God is calling me to do. My students desire was already there to achieve greatness; I was only showing her how to get there. My desire to live in boldness and access the supernatural is already there. God is only showing me how to get there.


As an actor I had to deal with my anxiety and find ways to not just function, but flourish in an audition despite my emotions. My next big task is to flourish in my identity as a person who allows heaven and miracles to come earth. So my mantra to make myself look like and idiot no longer pertains to just my acting, but will now apply to my obedience in Christ.

God Answers the Desires of Our Hearts/Testimony

This is a short testimony I wanted to share with you. Nothing crazy exciting or dramatic but I wanted to show that God DOES answer the desires of our heart.

Nearly four years ago back in 2010, I was 19 years old and finishing my first summer at the Mesa Arts Center. It was my first Mon-Fri job and I actually wasn't crazy about working there. What I was crazy about were these two little blond sisters who were 4 and 7 at the time. It was the last day of camp and over the 8 weeks I had worked there I had grown smitten over these two cuties. They were fun, adorable, energized, affectionate, smart, and just a great pair of kids. I was nervous and anxious on the night before the last day of camp, because I wasn't sure if I was ever going to see them again. So my 19 year old self was determined that I was going to connect with them. I sat in my messy pink and orange room and I wrote a note in my nicest handwriting to their mother, whom I had never met. The note explained that I had really gotten to know the girls and that they were really good kids and that I was going to miss them. It said that if the girls ever needed a babysitter that I would be more than happy and always open to do it.

I put the letter in an envelope and brought it to work on the last day. But before I gave it to the girl to give to their mom, I decided not to go through with it. I had never met their mother and heard things from the other workers that she was uptight and strict and I thought getting a letter like would seriously creep her out. I accepted that when you work with kids, part of the job is loving the kids and then saying goodbye to them forever some times. As sad as it sounds, It's something I've had to accept over the years. It makes life easier if you don't let yourself get too attached.

A year later I was back at Summer Arts Camp and guess whose beautiful shinning faces were there on the first day?? My little Veronica and Marcella. I was so excited. And for three more summers after that I said good bye to them, hoping and praying they would be there again next camp.

The girls also attended Fall, Winter, and Spring camps which were all shorter and some times I didn't work them. This past Fall break they were there and I had striked up a conversation with the younger sister, Veronica and asked her what school she went to. She told me the name of an elementary school only a quarter of a mile away from the center, which would only be a mile and a half away from my home. I was confused because I thought they had attended a Montessori in way East Mesa so I asker her where she lived. She told me she lived on Orange street.... which was ONE street over from my house. I kept prying so I could figure out just how close she lived but a now 7 year old didn't know much about it. So I asked her older sister, Marcella, who gave me an exact address. After a quick google maps search I found out that they had lived IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. Not even a quarter of a mile away. I could WALK there. I was a little excited that they lived so close.

I took a chance and decided to invite them to my Halloween party I was having at my house, because it was going to be family friendly with a bunch of activities for kids. I wrote down the party information and my address and phone number and said goodbye to them on the last day of camp.

A couple weeks went by and I hadn't received a phone call. I was nervous that their mother was weirded out that their drama teacher had invited them over to her house. Eventually I just forgot about it and accepted they weren't coming.

The night of the party were were about 30 minutes in when the doorbell rights and look who is on my doorstep! Veronica and Marcella in full costume with their mother as an escort. I couldn't believe it! Their mom came in and chatted with me for a bit. She was super nice and charismatic and Veronica even convinced her to put on a costume from our costume box since she didn't wear one. She wore a hula skirt and her sports bra that she goes running in and was a hula girl! She let the girls run around the party while she played Just Dance all night and even sang a few songs on karaoke. Everything I had heard about their mother, Lisa, had been completely wrong. She was such a cool mom and she thanked me for giving the girls an opportunity to have "good clean fun" for Halloween.

(Story almost over)

A month or so later I get a call from Lisa which surprised me. She had kept my number from the paper I had given the girls from Halloween. She explained to me that she had work early in the morning and that the school bus came an hour and a half after she would have to leave. She didn't feel comfortable leaving the girls home alone for that long and she was wondering if I could watch them during that time. YES! Of course!

So now every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday I walk down to their cute and organized home and I eat breakfast with the girls, help get their things ready, and walk them down to their bus stop.

Only four years ago God had really given me a big heart for these girls and put the desire on my heart to babysit them. And tomorrow morning I will be seeing them again! I was patient and God answered my desires.

And after all this, I've realized that God was the one who ignited the desire in my heart to begin with and in His time it was fulfilled.

[UPDATE]

It's currently January of 2015 and I had written this blog in December of 2013! It was great getting to reread this story and be reminded of how God really does care about our seemingly tiny wants. I didn't babysit Veronica and Marcella very much longer after that as it was time for me to move out of my mothers house shortly after. However, I still stay in contact with the girls and visit them when I'm in town. I love the three of them so much and am so thrilled they are apart of my life. Not sure they'll ever see this but if you do, know that I love you and I'm so blessed to have you as friends.

PTL

The Adventures of Dating Justin Fallon Part 1

The Adventures of Dating Justin Fallon Part 1

As of today, Mr. J and I have been dating for exactly one month. Two and a half weeks of that month was spent in a blissful face-to-face courting. This mostly took place watching films in his living room as we shoved as much quality time into my short visit home over break as we could. The other two weeks have been spent over text, call, and video chat across a span of exactly 1,663 miles.

I'm not sure how much truth is found in the statement "distance makes the heart grow fonder." My heart is currently at such an elevated level of fondess that I'm actually unsure if it's due the distance or if it's just something magical that he does to me regardless.

I must say, however, dating is a strange thing to do with a person you can't see face to face. We can't plan dinners or outings or cute activities to do as a couple. Much of our evenings are spent sitting on our own beds discussing our days and recent discoveries in spirituality and prayer.

My favorite part about Justin Fallon is his mind. His wit, cunning, and expertise seem to know no end. Fortunately for me, this part is shared very easily through technological communication. I can't hold his hand or hug him tightly, but I am comforted each night by his thoughts, opinions, and words of affirmation. (And jokes about socks).

It has only been 30 days since I agreed to be Justin Fallon's girlfriend. It seems so short a time but I still feel very achieved. I'm pleased The Lord sent me a friend who turned out to be much more than just a friend but someone very special to me. A friend to challenge my stances and to interest me in film and television I thought beyond my taste. He thinks before he speaks and apologizes when he's wrong.

If 30 days was all I got with Justin Fallon, than I'd be 30 days the better. So today we celebrate our first small checkpoint on a road to, I hope, many many more.

Every Area

Being a Christian as a teenager in high school is a lot easier than being a Christian as a young adult in college.

I remember back in high school I had little to no doubt about my faith.. I wasn't hassled or constantly questioned about my drinking habits (which actually have little to do with my faith).

Being a "good kid" wasn't such a weird thing because it was expected of everybody. Unless one did it in private, no one really drank or slept around or any of that stuff.

College is such a trial to your faith. From what we learn in our classes, to experiencing freedom from our parents control, and especially spending most of our time with people who aren't in our youth group. There are attacks coming in from every side and sometimes even from yourself.

People used to be so sensitive about my faith to the fact where it was some times annoying. I got tired of hearing "No we better not do that because Bri is a Christian and she won't go for it" and the like. But now you walk into a science class and the teacher basically teaches the class that everything you hold to be fundamentally true isn't even considered.

I know that this world is not catered to us as Christians because this is where the Enemy runs free. He runs free over the lives of the people who don't even believe in him, and some times even manages to affect us Christ-followers.

It's rough.

The point I'm getting at is that as I am getting older, I'm struggling with these internal things that pastors always warned us about. The types of things that, as a young person, we hoped would be the type of things we struggled with and not things like addiction or loss.

A friend of mine came out of Christianity and he explained that he sat down and gave God one last chance to give him a sign before he walked away. He sat for a couple hours waiting for God to do anything but alas, He did not and this left my friend with no faith.

A year or so ago I found myself doing things like this quite often. I used to cry out "God speak to me!! I need SOMETHING Jesus, send me a sign!" Of which, I had always hoped a truck carrying a bunch of signs would drive by, like in the film Bruce Almighty. Unfortunately, my response was much like my friend's... silent.

In fact, I don't think God has ever spoken to me in those situations, despite how much I wanted him to. I can't be sure if this correlates, but I'm reminded of Satan tempting Jesus. (Matthew 4:1-11)

Surely, we are not Satan and I don't think we are tempting Jesus but something about sitting and demanding God to show you a sign seems wrong.

In my travels, I have found that God speaks what he wants, when he wants. Not according to our agenda. Some times he'll actually speak when you hoped he would stay quiet. I'm sure we can all vividly remember God tugging on us to do something, and we just suppressed it and tried to convince ourselves that it wasn't actually God speaking.

Isn't it funny how he works?

But there is something in this thought (the thought that when we are desperate for His voice he seems quiet, and when He does speak we are scared to do what he asks so we tell ourselves it's not Him talking) and that is what this whole crazy long post has been about.

We need to give God every area of our lives. We need to submit when he requests us to do something.

How many times have you heard this? I'm gonna guess somewhere around 10,000 times.

"Give God each area of your life"

-Joel Olsteen

-C.S. Lewis

-Joyce Myer

-C.S. Lewis

-Billy Grahm

-Pastor Tom

-Your Mother

Okay, you get the point.

But as I was sitting in bed last night after some worship, I was feeling upset that God wasn't really speaking to me. I told him that I want faith that'll move a mountain and I don't want to have this doubt.

And then it hit me.

God gives me chances to prove me faith, like, a hundred times a day but I never take them.

Just this week:

He called me to honor my mother by doing the things she asked.

I didn't.

He called me to show kindness a person I don't like.

I didn't.

He called me to be Christlike to a group of friends.

I didn't.

He called me to not be slothful and get up and go to sleep at a decent hour.

I didn't.

I mean, the list go on!

This whole time I was waiting to be able to save a bunch of kids from a burning bus, or to jump off a cliff to save a drowning baby, to grow my faith, when God has been calling me this whole time and I didn't listen.

I heard but I didn't listen.

God has called us to follow him all in. In the bible, Peter and Andrew and John and James, literally stopped in the middle of what they were doing, dropped everything, and followed Jesus. (Matthew 4:19)

What's the big idea (Veggietales reference):

• As we get older, Christian life presents new and deeper challenges that we did not expect. Whenever you are feeling challenged, remember that this is part of the Christian experience. As we get older, the social standards we learned growing up start to really weigh heavy on us and this could cause us to put what God wants for us second.
• Don't put God on trial. I don't think that has ever worked for anyone. Be patient and he will talk when it's time to talk.
• "Every area of your life" means every area. Not just the gritty, deep-seated stuff in your little closet of secrets, but the average every day stuff. In the long run, these are the types of things that are going to affect us the most, anyways.

What little things in your life are you ignoring?

Speak Love, Not War

This is not about "us and them" it never has been. We were promised that we would be persecuted. We always have, and we always will be persecuted. That's what we were promised!

These ridiculous arguments don't mean a thing. WE DO NOT NEED TO STICK UP FOR GOD. He is God. He can stick up for himself.

People create this war that they believe we have to fight. Christians vs Atheists. Christians vs Scientists. Christians vs Homosexuals. Christians vs Muslims. Christians vs The World. WHY?

Is this what you think our mission was supposed to look like? Debating whether someone broke this law or that law, on Facebook? Do you think our mission was to win an argument and belittle a social group?

We all know what the answer to that is. I don't even have to tell you.

But I am reminding you.

Jesus told us to make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that he commanded.

God cares about the laws he sent us. They are important to keep us safe and keep us from falling away. But you know what is most important? You do. It's LOVE. Love the Lord and love others as you do yourself.

You believe these people are our enemies but right now you are your own worst enemy. Christians continue to shoot themselves in the foot with the things they say and do.

Are we baited with loaded questions?

Yes.

Are we the victims of judgement and ridicule on each and every one of our mistake?

Yes.

Let me tell you, the outside world doesn't understand that we all sin. That you and I sin. They don't understand the concept that there is nothing we can do to be perfect, and that claiming the title of Christian doesn't magically give us powers to never mess up, break rules, or sin.

They truly believe that by being Christian, we claim to never ever sin again; so when we do we're seen as hypocrites.

Which is why pointing fingers at the other people in the world is the biggest mistake we could probably make. When we tell the world they are sinning, we are expected not to sin ourselves. Doesn't that sound familiar? It almost sounds like we're trying to pick the speck of dust out of our brothers eye while we have a plank in our own.

I am SO TIRED of the "hate the sin not the sinner" schpeel. Why? BECAUSE THE OUTSIDE WORLD CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE. To them it is one in the same. And although you feel like you have your phrasing and your vernacular down to a perfectly harmless politically correctness, it doesn't make a difference to non believers. It just doesn't. 

The Bible calls us to judge our Christian neighbors. In the sense that if they are sinning, you're supposed to approach them and tell them their fault. And if they don't listen you're supposed to have an intervention with him with a few people, and if he still doesn't listen, you bring it up to the church leaders. Like, this is real. This is really, really real and in the Bible. (Matthew 18:15-17)

When is the last time you have done this? When have you EVER brought up faults to your brother or sister in Christ? Probably never. I know I haven't. Why? "because it's impolite". You know what else is impolite? Telling a gay person that you hate their sin and not the sinner. What in the world would you do if someone said to you "I don't hate you, I just hate that you're a Christian."

Could you even be friends with someone who said that to you? I most likely couldn't.

You say we are called to honesty and not to water down or dilute The Word. But refraining from saying offensive things is not doing that. In fact, we do it all the time!

When we are spreading the Gospel we start with the basics, which I'm sure you all know. Sin, repentance, forgiveness, revival, love, Jesus, resurrection, prayer, mercy, grace, etc. We don't just jump into theological talks about nephilim, demon possession, Calvinism, old earth vs new earth, submissive wives, or Revelations. Are all these things holy matters? Yes, but they are not really making disciples.

We must take the same care and discretion with choosing our words and what we share with non believers.

There was a time when people could say to a random stranger: "You are a sinner. If you do not repent an ill fate awaits you. But Jesus has already taken your deserved punishment, all you must do is have faith in Him and call him your Lord" and people would totally just go for it. But times have changed, and as Christians we must be aware of that.

As the culture and society shift, so must we to make disciples and spread the Word.

But isn't that going against the fact that God and his Word are never changing? That He and His Word are the same yesterday, today, and forever? No. We are not changing our beliefs. We are shifting our approach to the world.

Here's the big idea (as Bob and Larry would say):

-We need to take a serious look at what our objectives as Christians are.

-We really need to think about what we say and how it's going to be understood.

-We need to pay attention to society and see how the people need to be fed.

-We need to be very serious about loving others as we do ourselves.

-We need to stop fighting a war, and start loving the lost and the broken.

Although this term is used a lot (and usually as a the Christian catch-phrase), I think we should accept it with sincerity..

What would Jesus do?

Choosing God

I've had so many ideas and epiphanies lately. Let's see if I can stay focused and coherent enough for it to make sense. 

Seasoned Christians are extremely familiar with the idea that being in a relationship with Christ isn't always about a physical feeling. After a series of unpredicted events (including reading my bible, reading a section in a bible study guide, watching a cartoon that mocked Christians, responding to controversial facebook statuses, and meeting with a mormon missionary today), I have felt the idea of "choice" being super duper heavy on my heart.

From the beginning with Adam and Eve we have always been able to choose God. That is what love is! Love isn't a feeling or something we can't control! Love is a choice!

Love is sacrificing your career so you can stay at home and raise your children. Love is giving a hefty amount of money to someone in need, even if it might set you back a bit. Love is choosing to stay with someone and provide for them, even when you don't currently feel a romantic feeling for them. Love is so many things, but the number one thing it is is a choice.

Jesus chose to die for our sins. He didn't do it because he was forced to.

ANYWAYS.

Some times God will step back from your life and be distant. Some Christians call this a "dry season". You don't feel a whole lot of emotions and you might even feel disconnected. But can I say that it is impossible to be disconnected when you are in a real relationship with Jesus Christ? The Holy Spirit LIVES INSIDE OF YOU. The Holy Spirit doesn't leave you because you feel distant!

God makes himself distant so you can learn to have faith and CHOOSE him. Otherwise, your faith could just be given to the highest bidder that can make you feel the most.

There aren't just good spirits in this world that can affect your emotions. Satan (our Enemy) can also affect us in certain ways. And we have all probably experienced temporary fixes for our hard times. Alcohol, drugs, sex. Maybe not even something that hardcore: cuddling, exercise, partying, dancing, reading. These things are not bad!! They are all great in moderation and at the correct time. But some times they can be our quick fixes for joy or happiness, but God is the only thing that can give us that everlasting joy. Even when life is down and terrible things are happening to us.

During dry seasons, things like changing religions, changing relationships, quitting your jobs or other drastic things can seem so appealing because they will make you FEEL something.

But these times are so important to our Farther. Because these are the times that we have to make a conscious effort to choose him. To say to him "God I feel far away. Doubt is surfacing and my faith is starting to sound confusing and foolish, but I will wait patiently for you. I choose YOU Lord. This is hard but I know that you are there and you are waiting patiently for me too. Thank you."

And out of situations like this is our faith grown. Our love for him can blossom He will show us new things through our perseverance. 

I hope this makes sense.

The moral of the story is that being in relationship with Christ is ALWAYS a choice. You don't make the choice once and then your set for life. It's constantly having to choose him over life and mostly over yourself. 

The Me I Want to Be

I recently watch the documentary: Hungry for Change. Firstly, if you haven't watched this: DO IT. DO IT RIGHT NOW.

The documentary really makes you think about what you put in your mouth.

Poison.

That's the only word that comes to my mind.

Somehow it made me think of not only my diet, but my life as a whole. I've recently been very attracted to the lifestyle of eating healthy, exercising, seeing nature, smiling, not wearing makeup. I want it so badly.

The documentary ends advising you to keep pictures around of how you used to look. Pictures of what you want to become. They said to visualize yourself being the you that you want to be.

Last night I decided that I am not the me I want to be. I feel like I deserve better than what I'm allowing myself. I deserve to be fit. I deserve to be healthy. Why do I treat my body the way I do?

I get nervous around really attractive people because I feel like they're grossed out by me. I get SO uncomfortable I can't even tell you. I want to stay around other people like "my kind". Even people who I consider my close friends, I feel like I burden them with my presence.

I just want to escape.

I want to escape from my weight and from the me that I don't want to be.

I started drawing a picture of the me I WANTED to be. The person I envision myself as. Both physically and emotionally.  I don't know why it made me feel a little better but it did. I almost feel like the girl I've drawn in this picture is just trapped inside of me, waiting to come out.

I'm not saying my life has completely turned around and from this moment on I vow to make a change. I don't know what it means. I'm afraid to even try because I fail SO OFTEN. I try to no diet but change my lifestyle, but in the end I go back to the same ole song and dance.

I have no idea where my life will take me. Maybe I'll be fat my whole life. I AM happy. I'm SO happy. I love my life more than I can say. I enjoy every day of it... I just want better for myself I suppose.

Happy Babble

Praise you! Praise you God! Praise the Spirit that is upon me and within me! Overcome me Lord. Show me a new world. This love that you have taught me... have SHOWN me. Indescribable. I love someone I cannot see! But I do see you. I see you in the eyes of my nephew. In the breathtaking stars in the sky. Gosh, I love the stars. I adore them. Surely the greatest and most romantic invention of all time.

But now I'm trying too hard to sound poetic. I just want to be able to love you in the best way possible. I'm constantly praying for your Will because I've realized all the things that I want are trivial.

I am happy... so incredibly happy. Each day is a new adventure with you. It's funny how my saddest days are what lead me to you who have given me my happiest day in my life!

Purpose... purpose is one of the best gifts you've given me. Purpose is what moves me. What gives me air in my lungs. Your Great Purpose, Lord.

It's times like these that I'm surprised I've ever doubted you. Gosh! I feel like there is a river flowing right through my heart right now. The emotion is so strong, it's physical!

Lord you're just so GOOD. SO GREAT. I WORSHIP YOU OH LORD. ALL BLESSINGS AND GLORY TO YOU OH LORD.

Joy! Wondrous Joy!

It's funny how the closer you feel, the closer I want you to be.

My Dream

So me and someone else went into this really nice house and it was haunted. I think it might have been a boy from my work whose name is Kale or maybe it was Tehya. We were holding hands because were were terrified and we walked through the dark house. Kale had gotten behind a bit and he had ran to catch up and he said "the people at the table had no expression!" but what he meant was that they didn't have a face. I saw a few of these scary kids. We ran to the parlor and all of a sudden it was daylight. There was an older man (late fifties early 60s) who was the owner of the house. He explined to us that the house was haunted or curesed or something like that, and when there was no sunlight him, and all of these orphaned children turned into monsters. But if you played along with the monsters they wouldn't hurt you. He said that he wanted to move to a sunnier place and he needed normal people to help. Because he didn't want to risk hurting anyone.

Then the sunlight went away behind a cloud of something and it ws dark and all the children and the man turned into monsters. The only person who didn't turn into a monster was the mans wife. We sat at the table and played along with him but did not drink the pumkin juice the scary man offered us. We were not to eat or drink anything the offered us. Then the man got and idea. He took a knife from the table and stabbed his wife in the back and then pretened like he didn't know what happened. The wife stammered around and went outside to wait for the sun to come out. All the mosteres started freaking out and getting scared and angry. I think I was like a nurse or something in the dream and I tried helping her. The man tried to tell everyone that I stabbed her. I asked the man to go get me some towels and some wet, warm cloths. He brought towels and took off an article of clothing that was wet and warm from his sweat. I got angry and told him he had germs and to go get me a clean one. He got angry but I don't think he went back for it. We found something that worked. I looked at the womans wound and they were only superficial but you could see other places in her back where her husband had attempted to do the same thing before.

He yelled at all the orphans that it was me who did it and they had to kill me. I got angry and told the man that he was sick and HE was the one that did it.

I don't really remember what happens next but later we had to find some way to kill all the orphans. And the orphans had turned into clones. Clones of people I think I knew. But one of the clones in particular was Jonathan. A guy from one of my jobs who I have a crush on in real life. The rest of them seemed vile and disgusting and like monsters but Jonathan seemed perfectly normal. They were all wearing these like, almost biking outfits. There were colored like green, pink, and I think the other might have been orange. But Jonathan had on a blue one. But there were still a million clones of him and they had to be destroyed. Me and my team were finding different way to kill them and one of them was by gas or like poison. We found a way to trap them in these rooms and then we poisned the air inside. The most memberable moment from the dream is when I told a Jonathan-clone to follow me and all the clones ran after me. I ran through a room and someone behind shut the door behind them. I got a head and shut the doors behind me trapping them. The doors were see through like the ones at a supermaket. Jonathan stops an looks around confused. Then he realizes what's happening. He hears the poisen and he looks around at it. Then he looks back at me. I start crying, and I lipsynch "I'm sorry." He looks and me and smirks and says "I know"he says something else and points behind me but I don't understand him. I say "what?!" he lifts up his shirt and show that he is wearing spandex shorts. I don't know why I saw this as meaningful but I run off the find the real Jonathan. I'm still super sad because the clones were the people. They had the same feelings and memories.

You Can't Win if You Don't Play

The other day I went to go get gas. When I went to pay there was a line. The guy in front of me bought a lottery ticket. His girlfriend asked him why he bought the ticket and he replied that powerball was up to some ridiculously high number. He thanked the guy next to him for also buy a ticket, reminding him to get one as well.

"You can't win if you don't play!" He said and the two men shared a laugh.

When this happened I knew that God had a message, but I didn't know what it was until I was worshiping this morning.

I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend once. He thought it was ridiculous that one could live a terrible, non-Christian life of sin, and then in their last breath give their heart to Christ and receive eternal life.

As we worshiped this morning, my thoughts started to wander off and I started contemplating the ease of salvation. I imagined lips asking God to reveal Truth.

The simplicity of the phrase. It seemed almost too bold of God to promise us that if we really wanted to know Him and we really wanted to know the Truth, all we would have to do is ask Him in honesty. "Ask and you will receive," it says, "seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Surely there must be more to it than a heavy amount of curiosity and a few mumbled words!

Then I thought back to the lotto ticket. You can't win if you don't play. Perhaps this would be a better slogan for the Christian church?

People will give their money just for a mere chance of winning; the odds heavily against them. But here we see that God asks nothing of us, but to ask. What is money compared to eternal life? People would sacrifice far more for the former than what is needed for the latter.

If a friend told you that they went to the casino and played a slot machine and won without having to pay, would you go try it yourself? Even if you weren't positive it was true. Would what you lost in the efforts it took to do it, be worth what the actual prize was?

When considering your own soul and life, you could ask yourself the same question. Would the promises Jesus made (supplying everything we need, everything will work out for our good, giving us a gift and a passion, victory over death, and of course eternal life with him) worth the few moments and breath it would take to ask Him for it?

When I think of all that Jesus went through. The torture. The trials. All the men and women of the bible who lived lives of sin and mistakes so that we could learn from. It seems a travesty that there is only one single thing that must be done to receive it all.

So you may say that people in churches are brainwashed; that when we say we "feel the Holy Spirt" that it's something we've tricked ourselves into believing. Prove us wrong.

Tonight, right this very second, we can try it. There isn't much to it. But before you do, you must allow the bitterness and bias to fade for just a moment while you pray. Close the door to allow privacy and perhaps embarrassment. Get on your knees. Close your eyes. Before you speak, really allow yourself to believe for a moment that this may true, and say "Dear Lord. Right now I speak to you, not even knowing if your real. But God I pray that you will reveal yourself to me. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come now and reveal the truth to me. I pray that my eyes would be opened and my heart would be softened. Lord you said if I seek, then I will find, so I seek you now..."

If you wish to take it a step further, "Lord, if you are real, and what you promise is true, then I would like to give my life to you now. I ask Jesus to come into my heart right now and wash me clean. Forgive me of my sin and make my heart new. In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask these things. Amen."

When you pray, be very hopeful. And I know God will move in you. If you don't understand some of these things, feel free to say it in your own words or research what everything means. But most importantly: Be honest. Praying for you.

I WANT TO BE AN ACTOR thereisaidit

(Currently listening to The Funeral by Band of Horses)

I have known that I wanted to be an actor ever since I was in elementary school. Of course my actual vision of what that means to me has morphed and shaped over the years, but it's like I wasn't even me before that's what I decided I wanted to do.

Anyways, most of you reading this are probably already aware of my passions for theatre. But I was moved to write this blog.

If you have ever studied acting in school or at an arts center or a studio, you have probably been told to not quit your day job. (In a completely non-offensive way.) For those of you who haven't heard this, it pretty much means: Acting (especially for the stage) is not a realist method of income. Even if you are getting cast into show back-to-back, it usually isn't enough to sustain a home, car, and family. So acting coaches/teacher will tell you to find something else that you enjoy doing or you're good at to support your acting career. Yes, by all means pursue your acting with every ounce of ambition your heart can give, but maybe be a teacher (for example) to support yourself.

For the longest time I told myself that I was just going to act for fun. I was going to find a "real job" and whenever I got the chance to act, I would. In the past 4 years, this job has changed several times: makeup artist, playwright, director, producer, publicist, set designer, and most recently: scenic carpenter. If I got job doing any of these things I would be a really happy camper.

But I recently joined The Megaw Actors Studio and there has just been something stirring inside of me, ever since. I can't get away from the fact that I am so in love with acting. And not this puppy dog love that kids in jr. high have. It's almost biblical. It's not just a feeling I'm having, it's a commitment. My love goes deep enough that it makes me enjoy the tedious things about acting: memorizing, paperwork, long rehearsals, annoying cast-mates, lack of sleep, early call times, running the same scene over and over and over and over so that by the last run you feel ready to scream and attack your director.

I'm certainly not making a spectacle of my love for theatre, nor am I trying to prove that it's genuine. I've just decided that I don't want to act on the side. Today I am stating that this is what I want to do with my life. I want this to be my career and I want to die doing it. And if this statement changes next year, or even if it changes in a few weeks: okay. But right now I am ready, World!

Feeling Empty?

you ever get those days/weeks/months/season in your life where you feel spiritually disconnected? You pray and you feel like no one is listening. Whenever you're caught lifting your hands during worship or taking communion or discussing the presence of angles/demons, (or any part of being a Christian that the World might find strange) and you get that little twinge of doubt in the back of your mind. We all have those moments. Personally, I believe that they're essential for having that relationship. I believe God can use those times for many reasons: to strengthen your relationship, to teach you something, or even to test you.

I am in the process of getting over one of those "fluffs". It's been going on for about a 2 months now. I would pray and cry out to the Lord and hear nothing. Feel nothing; nothing but loneliness. But for the past week or so I've been reading 1 Peter over and over every night. My last post was about the things I learned from reading and rereading it. But I also recently started rereading The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. (If you don't know Lewis, he is probably the most famous Christian writer there ever has been). I have been learning a lot from this book as well!

If you haven't read the book yet: DO IT. It's a bit confusing the first time you read it, but it's very good. Basically it's about these two demons, Wormtail and his uncle Screwtape. The whole book is just a bunch of letters written to Wormtail. We never read young Wormtails letters, but Screwtape references them in his writing. In this world of the book, each demon is assigned a human, or a "patient". Their job, and basically their life purpose, is to make sure that his human does not get to heaven. These letters that Screwtape writes consist of advice on how to ensure the damnation of Wormtails patient. So basically the book is a "What NOT to Do" book. Lewis is so elegant in his writing. So many times while I'm reading the book I'm a little convicted because the things Screwtape writes about humans are so true.

ANYWAYS, after all that expedition, the point to this post: I read something very profound in the book and I would like to share. (initially it'll seem like a silly and minuscule point but I would urge you to think about it.) In this passage Screwtape is talking about Christians.

"At the very least, they can be persuaded that the bodily position makes no difference to their prayers; for they constantly forget, what you must always remember, that they are animals and that whatever their bodies do affect their souls."

I have never thought about this before. Firstly, I have gotten so used to just praying laying comfortably underneath my covers (since almost as long as I can remember). Of course there have been several times where I actually did the whole, kneeling-at-my-bed-with-my-fingers-interlocked-prayer when I was really desperate for something, but once every once in a blue moon.

So, for the past handful of nights I have been getting down on my knees beside my bead and saying my prayers that way. Sure enough I felt this focus by the 3 times I did it. I was praying for anything and everyone and I didn't want to stop. It felt so great and I have felt closer to God than I have felt in a while.

So give it a go! It's worth a try. Make a goal to kneel beside your bed with your eyes closed during prayer... let's say for one week. Take the Kneeling Prayer One Week Challenge!

If you see any type of difference please comment or message me and let me know!

Praying for you guys!

My Calling

So I remember watching this video a while ago whenever all of these types of videos were popular and I remember the part at :52 where she is flipping through the bible to a random page and praying that God will give her some insight through wherever her finger landed.

I thought this was hilarious because I've totally done it.. several times. I never really get much from it. Sometimes were so desperate to hear from God that we do silly things like that.

But recently I've been praying that God would guide me to a place to read. I would go to the first book and chapter that popped into my mind. It was frustrating because it would always be the same book and  nearly always the same chapter. I would read from it and it was nice and all but it never really spoke to me.

Finally I decided to just invest the next couple of weeks to reading and re-reading this book which is 1 Peter, and it's been really great! There have been some really good gems in there and nearly every time I read something, I find some way of executing what I learn the next day. I read something one day and it'll just be a bunch of words and then the next it will be very profound.

(I would like to encourage you to pick a book in the Bible and spend the next couple of weeks doing the same thing.)

I pray before I start that I will learn something and then I pray after for assistance in executing what I've learned.

What I stumbled upon today, (and what motivated me to write this blog entry) is 1 Peter 5:10-11. What is reads in the NIV (which I'm reading from) is:

"10 God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God's generosity  can flow through you. 11 Are you called to be a speaker? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Are you called to help others? Do it will all the strength and energy that God supplies..."

I realized that I have been telling everyone that I have been called to do theatre. Have I been doing theatre like Christ would? I would like to say yes to this, but I don't think I can. I have realized that if this is my calling, it's my obligation to pursue it as I would pursue Christ. I can't just do it half-heartedly and expect to change life. I have to be radical. I have to go above and beyond and excel in my school work. I MUST be good. Theatre is a type of major that always tells you to do you best and do things at your own pace. That there isn't really "bad" or "wrong" and it takes the pressure off of really having to try hard. Well today is the last day that I purse my calling hal-way. From now on, I am going above and beyond everything. (At least I'm going to try)

Are you pursuing your calling like you pursue Christ?

Best Steer Clear

I've been feeling a lot of feelings lately.

It's a cross between failure to meet expectations, loneliness, and confusion... and being lost.

I feel really lost. I have no idea where my life is going and I have lost all sense of direction for my life.

Although I have recently come to the realization that there is not one way to live life. I'm not big on conspiracies but I really feel like this "American Dream" is one fat, ugly joke.

Everyone has been laying my life out for me since the day I was born. Parents want to be able to tell all their friends what a great child they have because they feel like they have lost all hope in themselves and raising a super star will make up for it. So they do the best they can to make their babies genius to prepare them for elementary school. They sign them up for gymnastics or karate or give them piano lessons in hopes that it might be the key to their kids "success". Elementary school prepares us for junior high. Junior high prepares us for high school. High school prepares us for college. College prepares us for life. Supposedly.

Then we're pressured into dating and getting married. If you're still single by 25 there's something wrong with you.

It's surprising to meet someone my age who has never dated. WHY? This seriously makes me angry.

Perhaps I'm confident enough in myself to be single while I'm young. Or perhaps it's because I'm fat and no one wants to date me. Maybe it's both? Who the eff cares?

People stare and gossip about strange people. It's freaky when we hear someone who is a part of some strange new cult. Then everyone gets on their facebook pages and write articles and articles about how ridiculous it is that these people follow this cult and no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing. Well no one in their right mind would think that inanimate objects have feels so they move their stuff around often so everything get's a chance to been seen and appreciated, but I still do it.

Well all do it. It's just different variations. I always wonder who is out there spreading these lies that we are all normal and we only do normal things. Who is out there perpetuating these false claims that we have to adhere to certain social standars?!

I've been feeling weird because I am weird. People say "I'm weird" all the time and for the longest time I wanted everyone who said that to go and dive off a cliff. Congratulations. You're weird. No one likes you because of it. Is that what you want to hear? But I have actually realized that every person who has ever said it is true.

Life can be so dumb. The people who I always thought had judged me for being a "bad" person are actually doing things I would never even think of doing.

The people who I thought were arrogant rude are turning out to be my favorite people.

Even the people like me are trying to control my life; because the person controlling their life told them too. I didn't want a stupid credit card and I told the guy I didn't want one but he still had me sign the stupid application for one. Why? Because it's his job. His boss told him not to take no for an answer and thats exactly what he did.

You know what term I hate? "It's better to give then to receive." People take this as: always give, never receive. If everyone did this, we would have a world of people trying to give things to people who wouldn't take it. Why can't it be "Give with good intentions and receive with a full heart."?

I'm not really making any sense and it's probably because I'm slightly frustrated... sometimes I just feel like I'm in some kind of hologram room and I'm being put in these life situations to see how I'll react.

I really want a boyfriend. There, I said it. I have never been one to pine after love for loves sake but it's all I feel lately. It basically makes me want to stab myself in the eye admitting it. I would actually prefer to stay single until I'm like, I don't know, 25? Then date the same guy forever until I'm ready to get married when I'm like 30.

But my emotions betray me. I think it's because all my best friends are on far ends of the planets right now. Tehya is in Kansas, Nate is in Utah, Williams is in Connecticut, and Zach is in Colorado.

That's probably why I'm writing this. Because I have no one to vent to so I come up with all these crazy ideas and "deep thoughts". It also might be due to the fact that It's 330 in the morning.

I just thought I would be someone different by now.

I hate that I'm going on my fourth year at a community college. I wanted to go to UCLA. I wanted to be an actress. The last thing I wanted to do was be a drama teacher. And I was just celebrating that I got to teach drama for the first time today. (Yesterday)

 We always expect the people who turned out as "losers" to be less happy. The ones who dropped out of college. Had babies really early. Working at McDonalds. You know the archetype.

But is that always the case?

KCACTF

So it 1:40 am in Ogden, Utah right now and I am blogging from my bed in the dark room of my hotel. It is my third night here and I am really enjoying myself!

KCACTF: Kennedy Center for the Arts Theatre Festival. It's basically the only national college theatre competition. I'm here because I got nominated for acting to come and compete against other nominated actors to win the Irene Ryan scholarship. But the festival has so much more to offer including amazing workshops, 10 minute plays, auditions for theatre schools and companies, free shows, and some great networking! I've already met so many talented actors who I hope to stay in touch with.

Anyways, I've already done my three minute scene which is pretty much the second step you take towards winning the Irene Ryan scholarship. (The first step being getting nominated.) I thought my partner and I did a fabulous job and I felt our performance was quite compelling and naturalistic. A few lines were dropped but I think we did a good job and covering those up. The judges spoke with us after about the scene and they said that they thought that I did a good job with the scene, that I was a great actress, that they would love to work with me, and they felt that I did a good job of being strong and sensitive and the same time, among other things. On the more constructive side, they said that they wanted to see more of my talent and that I should have picked a scene that would have been better at showing that off. They said that I didn't completely capture the hurt and grief as well as I could have. Personally, I think the judgment was a bit bias seeing as they were both largely familiar with the show. BUT, I do think they were right. I wanted to kick myself for not choosing and African American scene which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I chose Rabbit Hole (my scene) because I was getting super stressed with the time that I just chose the next decent scene I read. Little did I know how difficult and challenging it would be. But I will say that I learned more about myself as an actor by doing this scene.

With that being said, I was not selected to compete in round two. They chose 48 scenes out of the 221. Three of the five scenes from MCC were selected though! Each consisting of some very talented actors and good friends of mine. I am so proud and happy for them! But to be honest, it is very difficult not to be a bit bitter. It's so hard to watch the people around you succeeding while you have to stay back. Especially since I worked so hard and wanted it so bad. It's like practicing and practicing and giving everything you can only to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team walk their way to victory with such ease.

I'm trying to find the lesson that God wants me to learn here. Before I had gotten to the school I prayed that God would make His Will known to me. I said "If you want me to win so I learn that I am good at what I do, let it be so. If you want me to lose so I learn that no matter what to keep trying, then let it be so. If you want me to not win but have small victories to teach me humbleness, that please let it be so." But then again it's not my job to figure out what God is gonna do.

I feel like I wouldn't be so bummed if I actually thought that I was good. I know for sure that I am not a "bad actor" but I have come to give myself the title "good enough."

Dream

I had a dream that there was this man who was kidnapping children and he was trying to kidnap me. Every time I tried to call the police they would put me on hold or when I explained to them what was happening they would hang up on me. Eventually I escaped and I freed the children in captivity. There was also a baby. He was incredibly small. He was like the size of a barbie. He was still covered in blood like he had just been born so I brought him to the sink to wash him. Brent told me not to put him in the sink because he would drown but just to scoop the water on him. I was so nervous. He kept falling asleep while I washed him and I thought he was dying. But he was fine. We brought the baby home and I was taking care of him. I'm not sure if he was growing really fast or if time was going by very fast but only a few hours later he was as big as a 2 month old baby. I kept telling myself that I had to find his real parents. I went to go look online to see if anyone had lost the baby, who's name was Cole Anderson. I looked and looked and couldn't find anyone. Which I was secretly glad because I wanted to keep him. He soon was old enough to hold up his own head and say little phrases. I had found the babies older brother and sister and they had asked to come visit the 2 bedroom apartment we lived in. They came in their uniforms because they attended some type of catholic boarding school. Then they asked if they could stay and live with us. I woke up shortly after so I don't quite remember the rest.

Overwhelming

Jesus help me. Save me. I feel so lost and far away. I feel broken and confused and useless. I want to know you so much more and I want all that you have for me but I am so weak. I am so weak and I don’t know what to do. I have no other option but ti surrender everything to you. Every thing I am. Because I know without you I am nothing. I am wrong. Without you I am incomplete and out of place. I am a misplaced puzzle piece. Without you I forfeit my life and my purpose. I squelch my talents and abilities and I destroy my hope and happiness. So please lead me father. LEAD ME. Too long I have been stumbling in the dark doing all I can to find the right way when all I needed was to ask you to turn on the lights.

I don’t want the fancy words. I don’t want the nice church and the pleasant friends and the college degree. I only want you. I want us. I’m tired. So tired of being like this. Of failing time and time again. Having to turn my face from you in shame because of my sin. The sin that controls my life and keeps me from your plans. I never want to sin again. Never. Not if it means losing you. I want to be with you for the rest of eternity and I want it to be real. I don’t want it to be defined by my religion or my friends or family. I just want it to be us. Us forever. In harmony. Where you can hold me and keep me warm and our love will be so real that I could reach out and touch it with my hands and taste it on my tongue. And it’ll be sweet like honey and crisp like the morning. Father. Daddy. My Daddy. Who looks down on me and is proud. My Daddy who I want to show to the whole world and I could look at them and say, “This is my Daddy. He’s the best Daddy and you could never comprehend how he loves me.”

No politics. No theology. No arguments. No searching for proof. It’s ridiculous. Love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony. Love is the reason and the purpose. And I love you. I love you with so much of my heart that it can barely hold. But it’s not enough. I want to love you more. I want to love you forever and ever and ever and ever. I want to you so big that my heart explodes. This world is crazy! Insane. How did we get like this. How has it come to this point? All we need is you. All I need is you. These cares and worries are done. They are gone. They have disappeared forever. Such silly things I let take over my mind. Boys and school and my car and my hair and my weight. What is it all? What’s the point? It all just seems like a snap. Like a quick breeze. A blink of an eye. I won’t even remember these people or problems a year from now. And if I do, what and extraordinary waste of time.

I wish all of this skin and bone and blood could just disappear. We would all just be souls. People would stop worrying about what they looked like and would be more concerned about what they think like.

So I thought I could be a good artist...

then this happened.