KCACTF

So it 1:40 am in Ogden, Utah right now and I am blogging from my bed in the dark room of my hotel. It is my third night here and I am really enjoying myself!

KCACTF: Kennedy Center for the Arts Theatre Festival. It's basically the only national college theatre competition. I'm here because I got nominated for acting to come and compete against other nominated actors to win the Irene Ryan scholarship. But the festival has so much more to offer including amazing workshops, 10 minute plays, auditions for theatre schools and companies, free shows, and some great networking! I've already met so many talented actors who I hope to stay in touch with.

Anyways, I've already done my three minute scene which is pretty much the second step you take towards winning the Irene Ryan scholarship. (The first step being getting nominated.) I thought my partner and I did a fabulous job and I felt our performance was quite compelling and naturalistic. A few lines were dropped but I think we did a good job and covering those up. The judges spoke with us after about the scene and they said that they thought that I did a good job with the scene, that I was a great actress, that they would love to work with me, and they felt that I did a good job of being strong and sensitive and the same time, among other things. On the more constructive side, they said that they wanted to see more of my talent and that I should have picked a scene that would have been better at showing that off. They said that I didn't completely capture the hurt and grief as well as I could have. Personally, I think the judgment was a bit bias seeing as they were both largely familiar with the show. BUT, I do think they were right. I wanted to kick myself for not choosing and African American scene which was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I chose Rabbit Hole (my scene) because I was getting super stressed with the time that I just chose the next decent scene I read. Little did I know how difficult and challenging it would be. But I will say that I learned more about myself as an actor by doing this scene.

With that being said, I was not selected to compete in round two. They chose 48 scenes out of the 221. Three of the five scenes from MCC were selected though! Each consisting of some very talented actors and good friends of mine. I am so proud and happy for them! But to be honest, it is very difficult not to be a bit bitter. It's so hard to watch the people around you succeeding while you have to stay back. Especially since I worked so hard and wanted it so bad. It's like practicing and practicing and giving everything you can only to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team walk their way to victory with such ease.

I'm trying to find the lesson that God wants me to learn here. Before I had gotten to the school I prayed that God would make His Will known to me. I said "If you want me to win so I learn that I am good at what I do, let it be so. If you want me to lose so I learn that no matter what to keep trying, then let it be so. If you want me to not win but have small victories to teach me humbleness, that please let it be so." But then again it's not my job to figure out what God is gonna do.

I feel like I wouldn't be so bummed if I actually thought that I was good. I know for sure that I am not a "bad actor" but I have come to give myself the title "good enough."