Best Steer Clear

I've been feeling a lot of feelings lately.

It's a cross between failure to meet expectations, loneliness, and confusion... and being lost.

I feel really lost. I have no idea where my life is going and I have lost all sense of direction for my life.

Although I have recently come to the realization that there is not one way to live life. I'm not big on conspiracies but I really feel like this "American Dream" is one fat, ugly joke.

Everyone has been laying my life out for me since the day I was born. Parents want to be able to tell all their friends what a great child they have because they feel like they have lost all hope in themselves and raising a super star will make up for it. So they do the best they can to make their babies genius to prepare them for elementary school. They sign them up for gymnastics or karate or give them piano lessons in hopes that it might be the key to their kids "success". Elementary school prepares us for junior high. Junior high prepares us for high school. High school prepares us for college. College prepares us for life. Supposedly.

Then we're pressured into dating and getting married. If you're still single by 25 there's something wrong with you.

It's surprising to meet someone my age who has never dated. WHY? This seriously makes me angry.

Perhaps I'm confident enough in myself to be single while I'm young. Or perhaps it's because I'm fat and no one wants to date me. Maybe it's both? Who the eff cares?

People stare and gossip about strange people. It's freaky when we hear someone who is a part of some strange new cult. Then everyone gets on their facebook pages and write articles and articles about how ridiculous it is that these people follow this cult and no one in their right mind would ever do such a thing. Well no one in their right mind would think that inanimate objects have feels so they move their stuff around often so everything get's a chance to been seen and appreciated, but I still do it.

Well all do it. It's just different variations. I always wonder who is out there spreading these lies that we are all normal and we only do normal things. Who is out there perpetuating these false claims that we have to adhere to certain social standars?!

I've been feeling weird because I am weird. People say "I'm weird" all the time and for the longest time I wanted everyone who said that to go and dive off a cliff. Congratulations. You're weird. No one likes you because of it. Is that what you want to hear? But I have actually realized that every person who has ever said it is true.

Life can be so dumb. The people who I always thought had judged me for being a "bad" person are actually doing things I would never even think of doing.

The people who I thought were arrogant rude are turning out to be my favorite people.

Even the people like me are trying to control my life; because the person controlling their life told them too. I didn't want a stupid credit card and I told the guy I didn't want one but he still had me sign the stupid application for one. Why? Because it's his job. His boss told him not to take no for an answer and thats exactly what he did.

You know what term I hate? "It's better to give then to receive." People take this as: always give, never receive. If everyone did this, we would have a world of people trying to give things to people who wouldn't take it. Why can't it be "Give with good intentions and receive with a full heart."?

I'm not really making any sense and it's probably because I'm slightly frustrated... sometimes I just feel like I'm in some kind of hologram room and I'm being put in these life situations to see how I'll react.

I really want a boyfriend. There, I said it. I have never been one to pine after love for loves sake but it's all I feel lately. It basically makes me want to stab myself in the eye admitting it. I would actually prefer to stay single until I'm like, I don't know, 25? Then date the same guy forever until I'm ready to get married when I'm like 30.

But my emotions betray me. I think it's because all my best friends are on far ends of the planets right now. Tehya is in Kansas, Nate is in Utah, Williams is in Connecticut, and Zach is in Colorado.

That's probably why I'm writing this. Because I have no one to vent to so I come up with all these crazy ideas and "deep thoughts". It also might be due to the fact that It's 330 in the morning.

I just thought I would be someone different by now.

I hate that I'm going on my fourth year at a community college. I wanted to go to UCLA. I wanted to be an actress. The last thing I wanted to do was be a drama teacher. And I was just celebrating that I got to teach drama for the first time today. (Yesterday)

 We always expect the people who turned out as "losers" to be less happy. The ones who dropped out of college. Had babies really early. Working at McDonalds. You know the archetype.

But is that always the case?