The Me I Want to Be

I recently watch the documentary: Hungry for Change. Firstly, if you haven't watched this: DO IT. DO IT RIGHT NOW.

The documentary really makes you think about what you put in your mouth.

Poison.

That's the only word that comes to my mind.

Somehow it made me think of not only my diet, but my life as a whole. I've recently been very attracted to the lifestyle of eating healthy, exercising, seeing nature, smiling, not wearing makeup. I want it so badly.

The documentary ends advising you to keep pictures around of how you used to look. Pictures of what you want to become. They said to visualize yourself being the you that you want to be.

Last night I decided that I am not the me I want to be. I feel like I deserve better than what I'm allowing myself. I deserve to be fit. I deserve to be healthy. Why do I treat my body the way I do?

I get nervous around really attractive people because I feel like they're grossed out by me. I get SO uncomfortable I can't even tell you. I want to stay around other people like "my kind". Even people who I consider my close friends, I feel like I burden them with my presence.

I just want to escape.

I want to escape from my weight and from the me that I don't want to be.

I started drawing a picture of the me I WANTED to be. The person I envision myself as. Both physically and emotionally.  I don't know why it made me feel a little better but it did. I almost feel like the girl I've drawn in this picture is just trapped inside of me, waiting to come out.

I'm not saying my life has completely turned around and from this moment on I vow to make a change. I don't know what it means. I'm afraid to even try because I fail SO OFTEN. I try to no diet but change my lifestyle, but in the end I go back to the same ole song and dance.

I have no idea where my life will take me. Maybe I'll be fat my whole life. I AM happy. I'm SO happy. I love my life more than I can say. I enjoy every day of it... I just want better for myself I suppose.