Overwhelming

Jesus help me. Save me. I feel so lost and far away. I feel broken and confused and useless. I want to know you so much more and I want all that you have for me but I am so weak. I am so weak and I don’t know what to do. I have no other option but ti surrender everything to you. Every thing I am. Because I know without you I am nothing. I am wrong. Without you I am incomplete and out of place. I am a misplaced puzzle piece. Without you I forfeit my life and my purpose. I squelch my talents and abilities and I destroy my hope and happiness. So please lead me father. LEAD ME. Too long I have been stumbling in the dark doing all I can to find the right way when all I needed was to ask you to turn on the lights.

I don’t want the fancy words. I don’t want the nice church and the pleasant friends and the college degree. I only want you. I want us. I’m tired. So tired of being like this. Of failing time and time again. Having to turn my face from you in shame because of my sin. The sin that controls my life and keeps me from your plans. I never want to sin again. Never. Not if it means losing you. I want to be with you for the rest of eternity and I want it to be real. I don’t want it to be defined by my religion or my friends or family. I just want it to be us. Us forever. In harmony. Where you can hold me and keep me warm and our love will be so real that I could reach out and touch it with my hands and taste it on my tongue. And it’ll be sweet like honey and crisp like the morning. Father. Daddy. My Daddy. Who looks down on me and is proud. My Daddy who I want to show to the whole world and I could look at them and say, “This is my Daddy. He’s the best Daddy and you could never comprehend how he loves me.”

No politics. No theology. No arguments. No searching for proof. It’s ridiculous. Love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony. Love is the reason and the purpose. And I love you. I love you with so much of my heart that it can barely hold. But it’s not enough. I want to love you more. I want to love you forever and ever and ever and ever. I want to you so big that my heart explodes. This world is crazy! Insane. How did we get like this. How has it come to this point? All we need is you. All I need is you. These cares and worries are done. They are gone. They have disappeared forever. Such silly things I let take over my mind. Boys and school and my car and my hair and my weight. What is it all? What’s the point? It all just seems like a snap. Like a quick breeze. A blink of an eye. I won’t even remember these people or problems a year from now. And if I do, what and extraordinary waste of time.

I wish all of this skin and bone and blood could just disappear. We would all just be souls. People would stop worrying about what they looked like and would be more concerned about what they think like.