Brief Testimony/A Question for You

I'm on of those people who check the box that says "I don't remember when I became a Christian" as opposed to writing a specific date or year.

(NOTE: if you don't want to read my story/testimony, you can just skip down to the last two paragraphs)

I remember going to church in a small church in a plaza as a kid and making fun of the older ladies who would speak in tongues. I would hate it when they made me pray by myself. It honestly felt like 30 minutes that they'd make us do it even though it was probably somewhere around 8. I remember for the first 30 seconds honestly asking God for things like "make my moms foot stop hurting" and "for me to get awesome stuff for Christmas." But after those 30 seconds I would run out of stuff to say and be jealous of the people around me who could think of more stuff to say, and then I would just get bored.

I remember once getting in trouble and my dad making me sit in the corner by his bed while he napped. He mentioned something about the devil being bad or to act more like Jesus before putting me in time out. And just as he was dozing off I muttered to myself "I love the Devil" just to spite him, not really knowing the seriousness of what I had said. He rolled over and sternly told me to never say that again, and then went back to sleep. At the age of 7 I can honestly say that I had felt terrible about what I had said.

Moving on. I remember at age 9, my family and I had went to the church service called X-treme aimed to a younger crowd. I remember they had poets, loud music, short skits, and a whole lot of black people. I had watched a very deep skit about how people had turned their back on Jesus and he STILL died for them. This made me so emotional that when they asked if there was anyone who wanted to give their life to Christ that night, my hand was the first up. I felt truly emotional.

We went the next week and at the end they asked the same question and again my hand shot in the air. My mom leaned over to me and told me that I couldn't give my life over to Christ every week. I was almost offended by it. But I did as I was told.

I remember growing older and going to Jr. High. I went to church once in a while because there was this boy I liked at church. I remember having this really awful dream where I was waiting in this really long line that lead down to this tunnel thing, the kind you might see on the free way. Then I looked over far away and saw another line that lead to this giant, futuristic-looking elevator. As I neared the front of the line I realized that I was in line for Hell and the other line was an elevator to Heaven. I asked the lady checking us in why I was going to Hell. After checking her clip-board she replied "Brianna Taft? It says here that you're going to Hell because the only reason you went to church was to see a boy. Please come forward." After waking up I felt so convicted that I made an honest commitment to seek a relationship with Him.

I fell into self hatred and, after leaving my dad, life was so difficult. Jr High was so awkward because I was just coming out of the tomboy phase and kids at school were so horrible.

It wasn't until the summer after 9th grade that I decided it was time to make a stand in my faith. I started attending church regularly and made efforts to deal with my issues, without the motivation of my family. I found rides to and from church on my own, even if that meant waling or taking the bus. Of course I have a loving God-fearing family but, at that point in time, church wasn't really a priority to them.

At this point in my life, I can say that I'm so head over heels for God that I'm pretty much unstoppable. I feel solid in my faith. There is this bible verse: Psalm 22:9-10  "Yet you brought me safely from my mother's womb and led me to trust you when I was a nursing infant. I was thrust upon you at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born." (NLT)


I feel like this verse is really about me. I often tell people that I've been blessed with faith. People always ask me for evidence of God and why I believe and to explain how I came to be a Christian. They try to get me to understand why I'm wrong. But the truth is, I can't. Honest truth. I can't tell you why I believe it. I just do. I always have. I've never believed that there wasn't a God. Even as a young child. Some people believed as children just as they did Santa and the tooth fairy but once they got older they just stopped. Me? I never did. I've tried living days without God. A 'trial run' if you will, and I couldn't get away from the fact that I was just pretending the believe something I didn't. Like if you were to walk around saying the sky wasn't really blue because that's what everyone else believed. But deep down you couldn't really dismiss the fact that the sky really was blue.


Jesus just makes sense to me.


I look at people who have recently found their faith within the last few years. Once a devout Jew, Atheist, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, going through the motions. And now taking part in a love relationship with Jesus. And I'm jealous!! How great it must feel to experience the love of Christ for the first time! To feel clean and loved for the first time. I feel like I've been dating this guy since I was 9, and I'm just watching other people starting their first relationship as adults, and not remembering that magic. Of course it's been amazing. I've been able to learn so much because of it. I feel like I have knowledge to share with my students and church and wisdom from a girl who has been in their shoes.


But the reason I've shared my story and have written this note is because I would like to ask all of the people who have not been a Christian they're whole life, to explain to me what it's like to give your life to Him for the first time. What was that moment like? What did the week have to follow? What did your friends think? Were their major life changes? Do you think your the same person? How did it happen? You don't have to answer all of the questions but I'm dangerously curious. Thanks for reading!

Doubt

Sometimes I just get so confused about everything. I see life down here on earth and my mind doesn't even know where to start. Love. Hate. Murder. Cartoons. Show curtains. Friends. Sin. Shame. Joy. Theme parks. Costco. Yellow.

Life is just FULL of things. So full that every single person learns something new every day until they die... until they die. Pass away. Leave the earth. To go where?

But then God shows me the beauty to every thing. The precision. The order. Everything is a friggin machine. Cogs that just cause other cogs to spin. I study for a test, I pass. I don't change my oil, my car makes horrid sounds.

Every single time The Enemy starts to whisper lies into my mind or causes me to stumble upon a blog or video stating that everything I believe is a lie or just stupid, I get scared. Like, what if I HAVE wasted all of this time following something completely made up. What if I really don't go to heaven when I die, and this is it? This is all that life has to offer, just the few short years I spend on earth and then I'm nothing. I'm gone. I may as well have not existed at all in the end.

Then God shows me heaven. Heaven shines through the eyes of my beautiful little sister lifting her hands in praise and worship. Heaven shines in the once broken but healed hearts of the young girls Radial who trust me and Him enough to spill out their hurt and pain all over the floor in front of me and at His feet to be put on the cross and crucified. Heaven shines in the love I get from people who took the time to invest in me and care about me. The people who actually want to be around me and talk to me and text me and invite me places and ask about my day and really, honestly, truly want to know and are ready to hear me when I say "Gosh, things are hard." I see Heaven in people who give seconds chances. And third and fourth and fifth chances.

I see Heaven in the love and kindness and strength in the face of a young man battling cancer. Of a single mother raising two amazing kids to be warriors for Jesus. Through the music of a violin at a recital. In excitement of a best friend passionate about musicals and helping others.

And when I see this I understand. I still have questions and a few things still confuse me but then I remember that I have a God who made yawing, the deep sea, and all the planets.. things that even the smartest minds can't explain..

So if you ever doubt, as God to show you Himself and Heaven and he'll never fail.

Creationism.. (how's that a title for ya?!)

I like to think about our world. How.. wonderfully everything is made like a puzzle piece. Have you ever really thought about it? How perfectly things work out. It always puzzles me that people don't think that we were created. I watch speeches and read articles written by highly educated people; grown people, who say the world came from the "Big Bang" or who aren't really interested where it came from but feel we weren't created.

Think about it..
Why do we sleep with the night? How do babies know to laugh when they're happy? How do our bodies fit together so well, whether it comes to making love or just holding hands? Our eyes constantly blink to keep our eyes wet. Why are our eyes even wet?!

How did we create not one, but hundreds of languages to communicate with?

Have you ever taken a science class? Do you understand how incredibly complicated a cell is? If one thing were to go wrong or be even slightly different, our whole body would be dysfunctional.

How do animals have instinct enough to stay together? Or even instinct at all? What is it about our insides that give humans discretion?

We get fruit from trees and vegetables from the ground! Made especially for eating! It's beautiful! Why do we dance when we hear music? And sing when we're happy?

And what I love about people is how different we are! I understand that that sounds cheesy and it's over used but.. I was helping a friend on a piece of music he was working on. He had trouble getting the pitch right, but I hear it for the first time and can sing along with it almost perfectly as the song continues. There is something about me that makes me capable to hear a difference that he doesn't have. BUT he is far better than me at running. And not just because I'm overweight. He can run for days and no matter how hard I try and assert myself I could never be like him.

Girls are soft and curvy where men are strong and firm. Our bodies know the best way to keep us alive and healthy in every situation.

We have the capability to love! Love.. man. Love is crazy. Makes you do crazy things. Honestly. Remember that boy/girl from grade school that you had your first crush on? How giddy and electric they made you feel? Or how you feel when you look into the face of son or daughter. Maybe a little brother or sister. A cousin. A young child in your life, and you look into their young, innocent, soft faces. And you think to yourself "You are the most beautiful boy/girl in the entire world." And you just want life to be perfect for them. And for them to have everything they ever wanted. When they say their first words, ride a bike for the first time, first day of school, how their face lights up when you tell them they're going to Disneyland.

Where did this love come from if we weren't created? People argue that we evolved from other animals taking the parts we need and changing so we can survive more efficiently. What then, is the point of love? If you think about it, it's more dangerous than useful.

I'm feeling great tonight.

My mom just left for the hospital. I didn't think it was really a big deal until I faced the reality of it.
Ron left and my brothers not here. I'm here in the house all by myself.

It's so hard to no cry.
I love her so much. I try not to assume the worst.
I  might be over reacting but I want her to see me get married. I want her to spoil her grandkids with love and toys. I want her to see me graduate college because she didn't get to.

I wish someone was here with me.
Please pray for her. Her name is Mindy and she's the greatest mommy ever.

New Semester; New Beginning

I'm sure the last thing you would like to be doing is reading a list of my hectic life for the next semester, but... well I guess don't read this then. (As if some one reads my blog anyway) :P

I start Faith Works Bible College today! I wish I was there now, I'm SO excited.

I'm also starting school again at MCC:
-Acting 2
-Racial and Ethnic Minorities
-Spanish 1
-Intro to Theatre

All I really need now is an online math class!

THEN, on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights I have Radial youth group. Which is always the highlight of my week!

THEN, on Sunday nights I will be going to Vertigo, the young adult service.

I will still be going to Scripts on Strikes rehearsal where I will be attending as an Improver in Training. (Or a IT)

I will still be going to Camber, the young adult service for Cornerstone, on Thursday nights when I'm not working.

THEN, I'm doing a weekly acting thing for Grace Kids where I get my script on Sunday, rehearse on Wednesday, and perform on Saturday night. I also help with worship for the Grace Kids and Radial.

I will still be working Thursday and Fridays at Popcornopolis! handing out popcorn samples at various Costco's.

And lastly, I'm  still hoping to have a social life. To be honest, it's not going to be as difficult as it sounds but it's still going to be difficult. I'm going through a phase in my life where God is trying to teach me obedience and self-discipline and it's been probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

But I met a guy my age the other day who was holding a sign next to a free way exit, the other day. He was clean, handsome, and a very nice guy who had lost his job and apartment and was just looking for work and collecting money to pay for a motel every night. My heart hurt so much for him. I know there are people in way worse situations but this particular situation really hit home for me.

I'm going to be grateful for every opportunity to learn and try the hardest I can to be a good student. And to take advantage of these situations to show the love and passion of God to hurting onlookers. I have such a great feeling in my stomach about Gods plans.

It's Gods turn to take over my life and for me to put down the planner and break free of the stress.

Don't Be Sad

All around me people are so... broken. They hurt so much that I hurt too. I don't understand really. People who are gorgeous, intelligent, funny, charismatic.

It's like they invent things to hate about themselves.

They put themselves on this skyscraper for the world to see and marvel at, but never touch. And the one time they're brave enough to allow someone to be up close, they get hurt and climb up even high away from onlookers.

I try and tell them, "No! You're beautiful! You're hilarious! You're so fun to be around! You're amazing and the Lord loves you so much!" but it never seems to do the trick.

It's upsetting.

Often I feel as though I am sitting in a chair in a windowless room with no doors. Calm. Happy. But surrounded by people who are bruised or dramatic or lonely or angry or bitter or cold. I try to get up from my chair to go to them but I'm tied down. I scream at them "Please! Listen! Stop telling yourselves these lies!" But they're so caught up in the pain that they almost ignore the easily accessible joy.

They're too afraid to take a step away from their safe place to reach for happiness.

My actions and words always seem to hardly scrape the surface but I hope my prayers dig deep.

God Can Sure Ask a Lot

Auuuuustralia..

Quick summary: I believe God is calling me to attend the Hillsong College in Australia.

(http://www2.hillsong.com/college/home.asp)

Now, where was I? Oh that's right: Auuuuuuuuustraila.

Why does it still seem so im-friggin-possible?! I mean I talk about it like it's going to happen for sure and that the money for it is just going to magically appear out of no where but I still can't really imagine it happening.

It's like this. Say your mum walks into the room and says "Hey sweetie. You have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning at 9am. Make sure and floss"

Now you have no problem imagining or believing it's going to happen. Just how you know in your head that you're going to wake up tomorrow, you get it in your head that you are going to the dentist... no biggie.

Now imagine your mum walked up to you and says "Hey darling, I just bought a lotto ticket and I'm going to be winning the lottery tomorrow."

Although this may not correlate well because me planning on doing something crazy, and me hoping something crazy will happen are quite different. But stuff like that just sounds so outlandish you can't imagine it until it's actually happening and blowing your mind.

Basically, I am terrified. For oh so many things. Firstly that I won't be able to raise the money to go and secondly that I will raise the money to go and be a billion miles away from my friends and family. (Pardon the extreme exaggeration)

And BECAUSE of this crazy Australia thing I have to decide if I want to keep going to school this coming semester or get a second job and start saving up for that.. uhggg. Welp. I guess just continue to pray with me on this wacked out journey. Once I start getting my act together and plan for the madness, I shall be making vlogs.

So if you're for some odd reason still reading this and have any interest in that, keep checking in and I'll keep you updated.

kthxbywe ;)