Choosing God

I've had so many ideas and epiphanies lately. Let's see if I can stay focused and coherent enough for it to make sense. 

Seasoned Christians are extremely familiar with the idea that being in a relationship with Christ isn't always about a physical feeling. After a series of unpredicted events (including reading my bible, reading a section in a bible study guide, watching a cartoon that mocked Christians, responding to controversial facebook statuses, and meeting with a mormon missionary today), I have felt the idea of "choice" being super duper heavy on my heart.

From the beginning with Adam and Eve we have always been able to choose God. That is what love is! Love isn't a feeling or something we can't control! Love is a choice!

Love is sacrificing your career so you can stay at home and raise your children. Love is giving a hefty amount of money to someone in need, even if it might set you back a bit. Love is choosing to stay with someone and provide for them, even when you don't currently feel a romantic feeling for them. Love is so many things, but the number one thing it is is a choice.

Jesus chose to die for our sins. He didn't do it because he was forced to.

ANYWAYS.

Some times God will step back from your life and be distant. Some Christians call this a "dry season". You don't feel a whole lot of emotions and you might even feel disconnected. But can I say that it is impossible to be disconnected when you are in a real relationship with Jesus Christ? The Holy Spirit LIVES INSIDE OF YOU. The Holy Spirit doesn't leave you because you feel distant!

God makes himself distant so you can learn to have faith and CHOOSE him. Otherwise, your faith could just be given to the highest bidder that can make you feel the most.

There aren't just good spirits in this world that can affect your emotions. Satan (our Enemy) can also affect us in certain ways. And we have all probably experienced temporary fixes for our hard times. Alcohol, drugs, sex. Maybe not even something that hardcore: cuddling, exercise, partying, dancing, reading. These things are not bad!! They are all great in moderation and at the correct time. But some times they can be our quick fixes for joy or happiness, but God is the only thing that can give us that everlasting joy. Even when life is down and terrible things are happening to us.

During dry seasons, things like changing religions, changing relationships, quitting your jobs or other drastic things can seem so appealing because they will make you FEEL something.

But these times are so important to our Farther. Because these are the times that we have to make a conscious effort to choose him. To say to him "God I feel far away. Doubt is surfacing and my faith is starting to sound confusing and foolish, but I will wait patiently for you. I choose YOU Lord. This is hard but I know that you are there and you are waiting patiently for me too. Thank you."

And out of situations like this is our faith grown. Our love for him can blossom He will show us new things through our perseverance. 

I hope this makes sense.

The moral of the story is that being in relationship with Christ is ALWAYS a choice. You don't make the choice once and then your set for life. It's constantly having to choose him over life and mostly over yourself. 

The Me I Want to Be

I recently watch the documentary: Hungry for Change. Firstly, if you haven't watched this: DO IT. DO IT RIGHT NOW.

The documentary really makes you think about what you put in your mouth.

Poison.

That's the only word that comes to my mind.

Somehow it made me think of not only my diet, but my life as a whole. I've recently been very attracted to the lifestyle of eating healthy, exercising, seeing nature, smiling, not wearing makeup. I want it so badly.

The documentary ends advising you to keep pictures around of how you used to look. Pictures of what you want to become. They said to visualize yourself being the you that you want to be.

Last night I decided that I am not the me I want to be. I feel like I deserve better than what I'm allowing myself. I deserve to be fit. I deserve to be healthy. Why do I treat my body the way I do?

I get nervous around really attractive people because I feel like they're grossed out by me. I get SO uncomfortable I can't even tell you. I want to stay around other people like "my kind". Even people who I consider my close friends, I feel like I burden them with my presence.

I just want to escape.

I want to escape from my weight and from the me that I don't want to be.

I started drawing a picture of the me I WANTED to be. The person I envision myself as. Both physically and emotionally.  I don't know why it made me feel a little better but it did. I almost feel like the girl I've drawn in this picture is just trapped inside of me, waiting to come out.

I'm not saying my life has completely turned around and from this moment on I vow to make a change. I don't know what it means. I'm afraid to even try because I fail SO OFTEN. I try to no diet but change my lifestyle, but in the end I go back to the same ole song and dance.

I have no idea where my life will take me. Maybe I'll be fat my whole life. I AM happy. I'm SO happy. I love my life more than I can say. I enjoy every day of it... I just want better for myself I suppose.

Happy Babble

Praise you! Praise you God! Praise the Spirit that is upon me and within me! Overcome me Lord. Show me a new world. This love that you have taught me... have SHOWN me. Indescribable. I love someone I cannot see! But I do see you. I see you in the eyes of my nephew. In the breathtaking stars in the sky. Gosh, I love the stars. I adore them. Surely the greatest and most romantic invention of all time.

But now I'm trying too hard to sound poetic. I just want to be able to love you in the best way possible. I'm constantly praying for your Will because I've realized all the things that I want are trivial.

I am happy... so incredibly happy. Each day is a new adventure with you. It's funny how my saddest days are what lead me to you who have given me my happiest day in my life!

Purpose... purpose is one of the best gifts you've given me. Purpose is what moves me. What gives me air in my lungs. Your Great Purpose, Lord.

It's times like these that I'm surprised I've ever doubted you. Gosh! I feel like there is a river flowing right through my heart right now. The emotion is so strong, it's physical!

Lord you're just so GOOD. SO GREAT. I WORSHIP YOU OH LORD. ALL BLESSINGS AND GLORY TO YOU OH LORD.

Joy! Wondrous Joy!

It's funny how the closer you feel, the closer I want you to be.

My Dream

So me and someone else went into this really nice house and it was haunted. I think it might have been a boy from my work whose name is Kale or maybe it was Tehya. We were holding hands because were were terrified and we walked through the dark house. Kale had gotten behind a bit and he had ran to catch up and he said "the people at the table had no expression!" but what he meant was that they didn't have a face. I saw a few of these scary kids. We ran to the parlor and all of a sudden it was daylight. There was an older man (late fifties early 60s) who was the owner of the house. He explined to us that the house was haunted or curesed or something like that, and when there was no sunlight him, and all of these orphaned children turned into monsters. But if you played along with the monsters they wouldn't hurt you. He said that he wanted to move to a sunnier place and he needed normal people to help. Because he didn't want to risk hurting anyone.

Then the sunlight went away behind a cloud of something and it ws dark and all the children and the man turned into monsters. The only person who didn't turn into a monster was the mans wife. We sat at the table and played along with him but did not drink the pumkin juice the scary man offered us. We were not to eat or drink anything the offered us. Then the man got and idea. He took a knife from the table and stabbed his wife in the back and then pretened like he didn't know what happened. The wife stammered around and went outside to wait for the sun to come out. All the mosteres started freaking out and getting scared and angry. I think I was like a nurse or something in the dream and I tried helping her. The man tried to tell everyone that I stabbed her. I asked the man to go get me some towels and some wet, warm cloths. He brought towels and took off an article of clothing that was wet and warm from his sweat. I got angry and told him he had germs and to go get me a clean one. He got angry but I don't think he went back for it. We found something that worked. I looked at the womans wound and they were only superficial but you could see other places in her back where her husband had attempted to do the same thing before.

He yelled at all the orphans that it was me who did it and they had to kill me. I got angry and told the man that he was sick and HE was the one that did it.

I don't really remember what happens next but later we had to find some way to kill all the orphans. And the orphans had turned into clones. Clones of people I think I knew. But one of the clones in particular was Jonathan. A guy from one of my jobs who I have a crush on in real life. The rest of them seemed vile and disgusting and like monsters but Jonathan seemed perfectly normal. They were all wearing these like, almost biking outfits. There were colored like green, pink, and I think the other might have been orange. But Jonathan had on a blue one. But there were still a million clones of him and they had to be destroyed. Me and my team were finding different way to kill them and one of them was by gas or like poison. We found a way to trap them in these rooms and then we poisned the air inside. The most memberable moment from the dream is when I told a Jonathan-clone to follow me and all the clones ran after me. I ran through a room and someone behind shut the door behind them. I got a head and shut the doors behind me trapping them. The doors were see through like the ones at a supermaket. Jonathan stops an looks around confused. Then he realizes what's happening. He hears the poisen and he looks around at it. Then he looks back at me. I start crying, and I lipsynch "I'm sorry." He looks and me and smirks and says "I know"he says something else and points behind me but I don't understand him. I say "what?!" he lifts up his shirt and show that he is wearing spandex shorts. I don't know why I saw this as meaningful but I run off the find the real Jonathan. I'm still super sad because the clones were the people. They had the same feelings and memories.

You Can't Win if You Don't Play

The other day I went to go get gas. When I went to pay there was a line. The guy in front of me bought a lottery ticket. His girlfriend asked him why he bought the ticket and he replied that powerball was up to some ridiculously high number. He thanked the guy next to him for also buy a ticket, reminding him to get one as well.

"You can't win if you don't play!" He said and the two men shared a laugh.

When this happened I knew that God had a message, but I didn't know what it was until I was worshiping this morning.

I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend once. He thought it was ridiculous that one could live a terrible, non-Christian life of sin, and then in their last breath give their heart to Christ and receive eternal life.

As we worshiped this morning, my thoughts started to wander off and I started contemplating the ease of salvation. I imagined lips asking God to reveal Truth.

The simplicity of the phrase. It seemed almost too bold of God to promise us that if we really wanted to know Him and we really wanted to know the Truth, all we would have to do is ask Him in honesty. "Ask and you will receive," it says, "seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Surely there must be more to it than a heavy amount of curiosity and a few mumbled words!

Then I thought back to the lotto ticket. You can't win if you don't play. Perhaps this would be a better slogan for the Christian church?

People will give their money just for a mere chance of winning; the odds heavily against them. But here we see that God asks nothing of us, but to ask. What is money compared to eternal life? People would sacrifice far more for the former than what is needed for the latter.

If a friend told you that they went to the casino and played a slot machine and won without having to pay, would you go try it yourself? Even if you weren't positive it was true. Would what you lost in the efforts it took to do it, be worth what the actual prize was?

When considering your own soul and life, you could ask yourself the same question. Would the promises Jesus made (supplying everything we need, everything will work out for our good, giving us a gift and a passion, victory over death, and of course eternal life with him) worth the few moments and breath it would take to ask Him for it?

When I think of all that Jesus went through. The torture. The trials. All the men and women of the bible who lived lives of sin and mistakes so that we could learn from. It seems a travesty that there is only one single thing that must be done to receive it all.

So you may say that people in churches are brainwashed; that when we say we "feel the Holy Spirt" that it's something we've tricked ourselves into believing. Prove us wrong.

Tonight, right this very second, we can try it. There isn't much to it. But before you do, you must allow the bitterness and bias to fade for just a moment while you pray. Close the door to allow privacy and perhaps embarrassment. Get on your knees. Close your eyes. Before you speak, really allow yourself to believe for a moment that this may true, and say "Dear Lord. Right now I speak to you, not even knowing if your real. But God I pray that you will reveal yourself to me. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come now and reveal the truth to me. I pray that my eyes would be opened and my heart would be softened. Lord you said if I seek, then I will find, so I seek you now..."

If you wish to take it a step further, "Lord, if you are real, and what you promise is true, then I would like to give my life to you now. I ask Jesus to come into my heart right now and wash me clean. Forgive me of my sin and make my heart new. In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask these things. Amen."

When you pray, be very hopeful. And I know God will move in you. If you don't understand some of these things, feel free to say it in your own words or research what everything means. But most importantly: Be honest. Praying for you.

I WANT TO BE AN ACTOR thereisaidit

(Currently listening to The Funeral by Band of Horses)

I have known that I wanted to be an actor ever since I was in elementary school. Of course my actual vision of what that means to me has morphed and shaped over the years, but it's like I wasn't even me before that's what I decided I wanted to do.

Anyways, most of you reading this are probably already aware of my passions for theatre. But I was moved to write this blog.

If you have ever studied acting in school or at an arts center or a studio, you have probably been told to not quit your day job. (In a completely non-offensive way.) For those of you who haven't heard this, it pretty much means: Acting (especially for the stage) is not a realist method of income. Even if you are getting cast into show back-to-back, it usually isn't enough to sustain a home, car, and family. So acting coaches/teacher will tell you to find something else that you enjoy doing or you're good at to support your acting career. Yes, by all means pursue your acting with every ounce of ambition your heart can give, but maybe be a teacher (for example) to support yourself.

For the longest time I told myself that I was just going to act for fun. I was going to find a "real job" and whenever I got the chance to act, I would. In the past 4 years, this job has changed several times: makeup artist, playwright, director, producer, publicist, set designer, and most recently: scenic carpenter. If I got job doing any of these things I would be a really happy camper.

But I recently joined The Megaw Actors Studio and there has just been something stirring inside of me, ever since. I can't get away from the fact that I am so in love with acting. And not this puppy dog love that kids in jr. high have. It's almost biblical. It's not just a feeling I'm having, it's a commitment. My love goes deep enough that it makes me enjoy the tedious things about acting: memorizing, paperwork, long rehearsals, annoying cast-mates, lack of sleep, early call times, running the same scene over and over and over and over so that by the last run you feel ready to scream and attack your director.

I'm certainly not making a spectacle of my love for theatre, nor am I trying to prove that it's genuine. I've just decided that I don't want to act on the side. Today I am stating that this is what I want to do with my life. I want this to be my career and I want to die doing it. And if this statement changes next year, or even if it changes in a few weeks: okay. But right now I am ready, World!

Feeling Empty?

you ever get those days/weeks/months/season in your life where you feel spiritually disconnected? You pray and you feel like no one is listening. Whenever you're caught lifting your hands during worship or taking communion or discussing the presence of angles/demons, (or any part of being a Christian that the World might find strange) and you get that little twinge of doubt in the back of your mind. We all have those moments. Personally, I believe that they're essential for having that relationship. I believe God can use those times for many reasons: to strengthen your relationship, to teach you something, or even to test you.

I am in the process of getting over one of those "fluffs". It's been going on for about a 2 months now. I would pray and cry out to the Lord and hear nothing. Feel nothing; nothing but loneliness. But for the past week or so I've been reading 1 Peter over and over every night. My last post was about the things I learned from reading and rereading it. But I also recently started rereading The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. (If you don't know Lewis, he is probably the most famous Christian writer there ever has been). I have been learning a lot from this book as well!

If you haven't read the book yet: DO IT. It's a bit confusing the first time you read it, but it's very good. Basically it's about these two demons, Wormtail and his uncle Screwtape. The whole book is just a bunch of letters written to Wormtail. We never read young Wormtails letters, but Screwtape references them in his writing. In this world of the book, each demon is assigned a human, or a "patient". Their job, and basically their life purpose, is to make sure that his human does not get to heaven. These letters that Screwtape writes consist of advice on how to ensure the damnation of Wormtails patient. So basically the book is a "What NOT to Do" book. Lewis is so elegant in his writing. So many times while I'm reading the book I'm a little convicted because the things Screwtape writes about humans are so true.

ANYWAYS, after all that expedition, the point to this post: I read something very profound in the book and I would like to share. (initially it'll seem like a silly and minuscule point but I would urge you to think about it.) In this passage Screwtape is talking about Christians.

"At the very least, they can be persuaded that the bodily position makes no difference to their prayers; for they constantly forget, what you must always remember, that they are animals and that whatever their bodies do affect their souls."

I have never thought about this before. Firstly, I have gotten so used to just praying laying comfortably underneath my covers (since almost as long as I can remember). Of course there have been several times where I actually did the whole, kneeling-at-my-bed-with-my-fingers-interlocked-prayer when I was really desperate for something, but once every once in a blue moon.

So, for the past handful of nights I have been getting down on my knees beside my bead and saying my prayers that way. Sure enough I felt this focus by the 3 times I did it. I was praying for anything and everyone and I didn't want to stop. It felt so great and I have felt closer to God than I have felt in a while.

So give it a go! It's worth a try. Make a goal to kneel beside your bed with your eyes closed during prayer... let's say for one week. Take the Kneeling Prayer One Week Challenge!

If you see any type of difference please comment or message me and let me know!

Praying for you guys!